February 21, 2012
January 4, 2012
Well Happy New Year guys. Well its official I have taken my last birth control pill and we are going to start trying for a rainbow baby soon. I am so excited I can't wait to be pregnant again and I pray everything goes great and we have no complications this time. We are going back to UAMS with this pregnancy due to the fact I love them and they will take care of me and the baby and they have the best equipment there is in the state of Arkansas and I will be high risk this pregnancy. Im so excited and scared at the same time. Im ready to be a earth mommy! Oh! We finally got Lainey's headstone it looks so good I love it! Photo below! The new year brings new joys and new tears but I want to make the best of this year and enjoy every minute! I have a wonderful and supportive family who has been through all of this no matter how bad it got I love y'all. All I have to say is Lord help me through this year and hold my family close because I am truly not sure if we can handle anymore bad news! Grant us peace and hold us as we try for another child and watch over us as we go through this wonderful journey of love. Peace and love to all of y'all and count your blessings because they may not be there tomorrow!
December 15, 2011
Well ok so I got to meet one of the cutest baby girls ever today! Beth is adorable and with her being a rainbow baby I felt a since of hope for the future! I can not wait to get pregnant! I want a baby to hold and bring home and raise! I want it now! Santa all I want for christmas is to be pregnant and have a happy healthy baby by next christmas! I am so thankful for everyone that has been there for me thru all this and the ones that have been supportive thru all my good and bad days. I am going to have a good christmas but I know that I will have my moments. I love all of u so much!
December 8, 2011
Lainey's Fall Spray
November 17,2011
Ok so last post til after the holidays. I was told today that im not ready to start trying for another baby and as much as this breaks my heart I guess I have to just roll with it and see how it plays out. But im going to say this one thing first....this is my house my life my family and unless you know everything that we are going thru behind closed doors stay out of my business I understand you are helping but its not so I appreciate it all but I just am tired of everyone in my business so im done with it. I am going to live my life and deal with the hand god gave me. And I will talk about Lainey because she was born she was just born back unto god. Have I found all my faith in him back no but I have come to the conclusion that he may be the only one who gives a care about me so as far as humans I have no faith in u at least god has a little of my faith. Happy holidays everyone and have a happy new year!
November 16, 2011
Ok do does anyone else have days where you feel like everyone is against you and your no matter how hard you try you can win...yeah that's how I feel today...it is 6:30am and I have not slept yet and do t think I will...I just feel wide awake and like I want to punch someone....on a brighter note got the draft for Lainey Jay 's headstone yesterday I mailed it back today her stone should be set before christmas im so excited! It looks awesome can't wait to see final result. Anyway I think when I get pregnant this time I am going to tell the family and no one else...nobody ever sees me so I can hide it...that way I don't have to deal with all the ppl...who knows maybe no one will know til the baby is here and several months old...lol yea right I wish....oh well I guess I can dream....well im going to change out laundry later gators!
November 11, 2011
ok well I have been looking at baby names getting a head start! Me and Eric have decided that December 31st will be the last birth control pill I will take and we will start trying for a Rainbow Baby...I am so ready but at the same time i am terrified but my excitement overpowers my horror...I am ready to be an earth baby mommy I will always be a mommy just my daughter plays with Angels. I will always be paranoid because of what I have been thru but that only makes me stronger and with what my daughter has shown me that she has seen for me How can i not want to try agian and move on with my life. there is no other way but to move and and honor Lainey in anyway I can. Her siblings will know about her and talk about her and they will understand that they have the best Guardian angel ever and she is their sister and she loves them and watches over them everyday! I also want to let everyone know that I am still fine I am moving forward and I can not wait to watch my children grow!
Thank you for everyone that has supported me thru this and i appreciate everything.
November 7, 2011
Ok well it has been a minute since I posted and im awake again as usual at 4am....I really do miss sleep even more do I miss rest...*sigh but anyway...so had a great dream the other night its wonderful that the nightmares stopped anyway the dream was that I was in a nursery and I was holding a little blonde haired blue eyed girl and I look up and Lainey walks into the nursery holding my Daddy's hand my dad has a huge smile on his face and Lainey walks over to me and touches the infants face and smiles and says awww my sissy, mommy I love my sissy. Mommy I hope you love her too, because me and pawpaw picked her out for you ...and I woke up. Now anyone who knows me knows that usually if I dream and remember them and then I dream the same dream three times it comes true. God I truly hope this comes true it doesn't have to be a little girl but I just want a healthy alive baby to bring home. I hope no one ever feels the hurt of burying your child at any age but I know it happens but I don't wish this heartache on my worst enemy. Everyone feels im broken...and on a way I am but what this dream has brought me is the peace I needed to move on my beautiful daughter has shown me I have good things in store for my life and must move forward no matter how much it hurts. I understand it has only been three months and lord knows it has felt like an eternity ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday but I feel with the support I have I am doing better than most in my "situation" im not suicidal im not depressed im happy I'm just not complete and yes I will always have a hole in my heart where my daughter should be I should be watching her grow but im not here on earth but my dreams are allowing me to see what she will be when I see her again because when she came to me she looked like a beautiful one year old and that brings peace in knowing that daddy has a beautiful granddaughter to keep him on his toes! I know that people in my "situation" has to have therapy and can not move on but for me moving on is not forgetting because I could never forget her beautiful face but it is looking at the future that my daughter sees for me and that is peace enough for me to get thru this because as much as this hurts anything I could do here on this earth can not and will not bring her back so to honor her I must hold my head up and move on with life and enjoy what I have and not dwell on what's no longer here. So for everyone worried about me thank you but im fine and I know this will be hard for some to understand but im not the same as I was im a different person but after everything I knew I would never be the same. Now with that said I do not need any extra "drama" in my life so I apologize ahead of time if you see me in the store and I do not even acknowledge your existence im sorry but I have decided that you would do more harm than good and I do not need you or your pity parties so please do not take this personal but if you are not a solution to my "problems" then you are the cause and if that is the case then I am sorry but you will have to find another person to complain to! Some "friends" are better left on facebook and that's where they are the best because in person y'all suck. Sorry to be so brutal but sometimes the truth hurts. So for the people out there that it is all about you and what you have and you have to be center of attention or you will throw a hissy fit then you can go on because from now on you will not get sympathy from me and I hate that im like this now but my walls are up and I don't see them falling anytime soon. Shallowness is not an excuse no more than stupidity is so thank you for understanding that im done with having adults that act like two year olds around me. If you need someone to pet you and stroke your egos then I suggest someone besides me because all I will tell you is to suck it up at least you are breathing and you woke up this morning so sorry I don't have time for games. Thank you and have great miserable lives because one day you will wake up and realize no one likes you and you are all alone without any friends and im so sorry but if you think I need therapy ha when you get to that point it will be too late for you and then what will you do...as for me I am going to live my life surrounded by only the ones that truly love and care about me and are not fake. Because I don't need quantity I am looking for quality. Thank you for teaching me who I can count on and trust because when you are so close to the bottom and ready to give up you find out who you can trust and who is truly there for you and not to just make themselves look good. From this moment on I am holding my head up and looking forward hope to see you in my future because my friends list is very short.
Ok now that I have ranted im am going to say thank you to my special and wonderful "family" that no matter what has been there and never let me fall all the way down we have had rough spots but we have always got thru together I love y'all so very much and thank you! Time for a fresh start and there is nothing but up from here.
*To my Wonderful Husband Eric, Baby I love you and can't imagine where I would be without you. You are my rock and have kept me together thru all of this and for that I could never say thank you enough. I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together and having more beautiful children and watching them grow to be wonderful adults and starting families of their own. I am so glad I have you baby you are my everything!
October 31, 2011
October 30, 2011
Well had a HUGE breakdown last night....sorry Eric you experienced the blunt of my lash out. But as always took it for what it was and helped me work thru it....I have decided that I am going to separate myself from the drama and bs of facebook for a while I just want to have real friends and concentrate on me and my family right now and try getting my head in the right spot because I have realized after last nights outburst that my head is not in the right spot its not even in the right ballpark so I feel the only way to do that is to distance myself from facebook and drama filled friends so if I walk by you and do not speak or even acknowledge your existence im sorry you are filled with to much drama for me to deal with! And you are the persons I am talking about at this point. New friends yes plz new atmosphere yes plz new life yes plz and clearer vision why yes I believe so. The internet is an awesome tool but I just can't believe how much it hurts also. Now I said I am distancing myself from facebook but this doesn't mean I will not get on there but it will possibly be once a week to check on an event im attending other than that I wont be on....I need to disconnect from everything and it starts right now. I will be doing this blog still and I will email so if you do not have my email im sorry comment below if you even care or even read this....sometimes I feel im the only one that actually reads this and gives a shit. But anyway....im getting back to me and if you are a part of the problem then you are being removed from my life without hesitation thank you and have a great life :-)
October 19, 2011
Ok so I have felt horrible for the past week and with meds and being sick I have slept ALOT lol so today since I have actually felt better it got me thinking again as usual. And all my feelings came flooding in as I was watching I didn't know I was pregnant (yea yea I know I pretty much did it to myself) and I really feel empty and alone I know im not alone but I feel that way. I feel useless and confused...why...then I think I want to try again and I want to do it now I don't want to wait six months....im tired of the empty feeling I want to be pregnant again it is the best feeling and I then told myself when I get pregnant again I will not complain because if I knew then what I know now I would have enjoyed and documented and just took in every step of Lainey's journey so in honor of my little girl I will do all the above things and more with the next pregnancy. I promise Lainey I will make sure I feel EVERY MOVEMENT your baby sibling does and I will be aware of EVERY SINGLE detail of them and I promise that their name will be original and will not connect them to anyone because no one gets to lay claim to this next baby. I also promise that I will tell the new baby everyday how much they are loved by their big sister in heaven and that they have the best guardian angel in her. I also want EVERYONE to understand I am a mommy just my baby was so awesome that God wanted to keep her. I am a Mommy to an angel and I am very proud of that. I also want everyone to know that when I have another baby I don't have just one child I have two just one is in heaven and I will never forget her and will always include her in all family stuff. Geeze im a mess I really am a big mess and I feel broken......
October 12, 2011
Well let's see I made it thru Daddy's Angelversary on the tenth. 13 years....wow still feels like yesterday....I have had a bad week with a stomache bug and womanly problems and as always wal-mart visits seeing all the crackheads that have babies they don't deserve. But on a happy note I have got a total of $700 in groceries and household items for around $400 :-) coupons I love it!!!! My goal is to do a trip like that was on the show last night $900 for $4.65 yes sir that's the plan!!!! Ok guys here is the deal. I know im jumping around on subjects but anyway...Saturday is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day so at 7pm PLEASE remember to show your support and light a candle in remembrance of all babies gone too soon like my Lainey Jay. October is not only breast cancer awareness month but it is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and I would love it if EVERYONE was as aware about that as they are breast cancer awareness both are equally as important as the other but I guess baby loss is taboo..... so tell everyone you know to not only wear your pink for breast cancer awareness this month but wear baby pink and baby blue for our beautiful angel babies that are so very missed! I Love You Lainey Jay Hughes!
Mommy is hopefully going with aunt biking and getting at least a price on ur tattoo baby girl (see photo below) oh yeah its gonna hurt but I want it where I can see it and the foot is a perfect spot! Anyway im heading to bed talk later :-)
October 6, 2011
October 5, 2011
October 2, 2011
Happy 2 month Angelversary Baby Girl we love you! I can't believe that it has been two months. In a way it seems like just yesterday I held you in my arms and said goodbye and at the same time it feels like forever ago I said goodbye. I miss you oh so very much. I know Daddy and the grandparents do too. I found the cutest retire halloween costume and thought any that's what Lainey can be for halloween and then realization slapped me straight in the face again.....I hate when I let it do me that way!
Well Lainey Jay me and daddy have spent the last two days with ur grandpa...lol I have had a blast figuring out his free computer and showing him how to use his phone I love doing that kind of stuff....I finally got ink so I printed out all your pictures to put in your albums and baby books. I just can't believe it has been two months! Oh yea baby girl tell uncle Lucas happy birthday and give him a huge hug for me it is his birthday in a few days. Oh and baby girl tell papaw that I said BJ is with y'all now so make sure he finds him and helps him out ok sweetie!?! Well Baby Girl just wanted you to know I love you and to tell you happy 2 month Angelversary Mommy Loves You and Miss You Oh So Much!!!!! Goodnight baby girl!!!
Oh and here are some pictures one is a picture a fellow angel mommy made for me and the other is your angel garden in the spring there will be your birth flower in there :-)
September 30, 2011
Well Lainey's 2 month angelversary is coming up in a few short days. It seems like an eternity ago but at the same time it seems like yesterday I was pregnant. I have an angel mommy friend who our babies were very close like a few days apart. She is younger than me and is not dealing so well but people are cruel. She thinks no one wants to be around her because she is the girl who's child died. As true as this is at the same rime here is my opinion on mothers that have buried children. We are special breed of mother for we gave birth to angels. God chose us to carry his most valuable possessions his angels. He knew that he would have to choose the strongest and bravest women for this task, just as he chose Mary to give birth to Jesus. How special are we to be able to say this "I gave birth to a special Angel for God he/she was so special they never had to suffer this cruel world we face and they got to go to be with him so like we took care of them in our womb and some mommies for a short while they are going to help prepare a place for us when we get to see them again." I know I am not the most religious person alive and that I am a sinner but God loved me enough to make me an Angel Mommy of one of the most beautiful angel I have ever known my little girl Lainey Jay. I can't wait to see her playing and running with them big ol daddy feet in wonderful fields with all her family. I know this is a good day right? This doesn't mean I will be ok with this but I have to find a brighter way if looking at this or its gonna eat me alive. Today is an "easy" day now tomorrow is sure to be a new day with just as many surprises hopefully it will be good and smooth too but who knows. NEVER COUNT ON TOMORROW LIVE FOR TODAY AND LIVE EACH DAY AS YOUR LAST SO YOU WILL NEVER HAVE REGRETS ONLY MEMORIES THAT ENDED WITH A BANG! Love everyone of you guys and I would not be doing as well as I am without the special and wonderful people I have in my life. So for that I thank every single one of you. Muah and goodnight all!
September 23, 2011
Me and Eric was talking last night and we are thinking of six months trying agian we think we should try and keep the family tradition of November Babies ;-) (inside joke) Hopefully my sis niki and me will be preggo at the same time....that would be awesome :-)
Mom and Pawpaw are getting Laineys Headstone ordered this week I cant wait til its set Mom bought me the cutest angel to set on it and the cutest pink daisies to put in the angels pot. I love it<3 they are going to look so good. I am so very thankful for my family i truely dont know what i would do without them. They are defitnately my soild foundation that holds me up and together....even if i am harst and unkind they still love me.
Mom took me and got our hair cut the other day (mine is like tara from sons of anarchy season 4 photo below) i love it! I have bangs i havent had bangs since high school! Today has been a good day i havent broke down and i have barely cried. So i know everyone says it gets easier with time and i know it does because its been almost 13 yrs since Daddy died in fact 10-10-11 is going to be a bad day....but it is easier to function day by day....and with Lainey it is a whole different pain it actually feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest on somedays, but i make myself get up and face the day i know she would want it that way.
Well Eric got taser certified the other day he was so excited! I cant wait to see the video i bet its hilarious! And apparently he is not crazy enough to draw a check but crazy enough to work at the jail cuz he had a psych test yesterday and passed. I love that man so much i just hope he knows how much and how much i need him and love every minute im with him. He is my rock that never fails me. <3 anyway i guess im headed to bed for the night i get the boys back tomorrow night so i gotta walk before they get to that house around 5 or 6 but i cant wait ive missed them :-) goodnight all. Talk soon <3
September 19, 2011
I saw this poem on one of my facebook groups and thought it fit!
September 18, 2011
Oh before the date night started I went walking and took e-or, we went and visited Lainey. E-or loved it.
September 16, 2011
We got the paperwork in the mail today to order Lainey's headstone. it is going to be so pretty it has an angel and rose and it has her name and Infant Daughter of Eric and Amanda and it has Born Sleeping August 2, 2011 and has Our Precious Angel on it. Its gonna cost $364.00 which was alot less then I expected. I cant wait to see it in person!
Mom ordered my Angel necklace that has her birthstone in it, it should be in by the first and I'll take a picture and upload it so yall can see, I cant wait to see it, and wear it. It matches my Mother's Ring she got me too.
I have not heard from NILMDTS or Mamie's Poppy Plates and I wish I would because I am ready to see them. My pictures and my Memorial Plate with her footprints on it.
I made Lainey's Shadow Box the other day, it is hanging in our room but will go in the living room once it gets painted. It is so pretty I love it. It has her outfit and blanket from the hospital in it and a lock of her hair and her Lainey onesie that Catherine got her and her Hair bows that Andi and Nicole got her and her Harley outfit that PawPaw bought her. and on top is a photo frame with several photos in it and her rubber ducky from her baby shower cake and her eeyore i bought her. Also it has one of every flower from her grave in it, and her Obituary from the funeral home. it turned out so good. I will upload photos later of it.
Well I guess I am fixen to head to bed so I can be rested for my date night tomorrow. Goodnight all.