Ok well it has been a minute since I posted and im awake again as usual at 4am....I really do miss sleep even more do I miss rest...*sigh but anyway...so had a great dream the other night its wonderful that the nightmares stopped anyway the dream was that I was in a nursery and I was holding a little blonde haired blue eyed girl and I look up and Lainey walks into the nursery holding my Daddy's hand my dad has a huge smile on his face and Lainey walks over to me and touches the infants face and smiles and says awww my sissy, mommy I love my sissy. Mommy I hope you love her too, because me and pawpaw picked her out for you ...and I woke up. Now anyone who knows me knows that usually if I dream and remember them and then I dream the same dream three times it comes true. God I truly hope this comes true it doesn't have to be a little girl but I just want a healthy alive baby to bring home. I hope no one ever feels the hurt of burying your child at any age but I know it happens but I don't wish this heartache on my worst enemy. Everyone feels im broken...and on a way I am but what this dream has brought me is the peace I needed to move on my beautiful daughter has shown me I have good things in store for my life and must move forward no matter how much it hurts. I understand it has only been three months and lord knows it has felt like an eternity ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday but I feel with the support I have I am doing better than most in my "situation" im not suicidal im not depressed im happy I'm just not complete and yes I will always have a hole in my heart where my daughter should be I should be watching her grow but im not here on earth but my dreams are allowing me to see what she will be when I see her again because when she came to me she looked like a beautiful one year old and that brings peace in knowing that daddy has a beautiful granddaughter to keep him on his toes! I know that people in my "situation" has to have therapy and can not move on but for me moving on is not forgetting because I could never forget her beautiful face but it is looking at the future that my daughter sees for me and that is peace enough for me to get thru this because as much as this hurts anything I could do here on this earth can not and will not bring her back so to honor her I must hold my head up and move on with life and enjoy what I have and not dwell on what's no longer here. So for everyone worried about me thank you but im fine and I know this will be hard for some to understand but im not the same as I was im a different person but after everything I knew I would never be the same. Now with that said I do not need any extra "drama" in my life so I apologize ahead of time if you see me in the store and I do not even acknowledge your existence im sorry but I have decided that you would do more harm than good and I do not need you or your pity parties so please do not take this personal but if you are not a solution to my "problems" then you are the cause and if that is the case then I am sorry but you will have to find another person to complain to! Some "friends" are better left on facebook and that's where they are the best because in person y'all suck. Sorry to be so brutal but sometimes the truth hurts. So for the people out there that it is all about you and what you have and you have to be center of attention or you will throw a hissy fit then you can go on because from now on you will not get sympathy from me and I hate that im like this now but my walls are up and I don't see them falling anytime soon. Shallowness is not an excuse no more than stupidity is so thank you for understanding that im done with having adults that act like two year olds around me. If you need someone to pet you and stroke your egos then I suggest someone besides me because all I will tell you is to suck it up at least you are breathing and you woke up this morning so sorry I don't have time for games. Thank you and have great miserable lives because one day you will wake up and realize no one likes you and you are all alone without any friends and im so sorry but if you think I need therapy ha when you get to that point it will be too late for you and then what will you do...as for me I am going to live my life surrounded by only the ones that truly love and care about me and are not fake. Because I don't need quantity I am looking for quality. Thank you for teaching me who I can count on and trust because when you are so close to the bottom and ready to give up you find out who you can trust and who is truly there for you and not to just make themselves look good. From this moment on I am holding my head up and looking forward hope to see you in my future because my friends list is very short.
Ok now that I have ranted im am going to say thank you to my special and wonderful "family" that no matter what has been there and never let me fall all the way down we have had rough spots but we have always got thru together I love y'all so very much and thank you! Time for a fresh start and there is nothing but up from here.
*To my Wonderful Husband Eric, Baby I love you and can't imagine where I would be without you. You are my rock and have kept me together thru all of this and for that I could never say thank you enough. I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together and having more beautiful children and watching them grow to be wonderful adults and starting families of their own. I am so glad I have you baby you are my everything!
