Ok so last post til after the holidays. I was told today that im not ready to start trying for another baby and as much as this breaks my heart I guess I have to just roll with it and see how it plays out. But im going to say this one thing first....this is my house my life my family and unless you know everything that we are going thru behind closed doors stay out of my business I understand you are helping but its not so I appreciate it all but I just am tired of everyone in my business so im done with it. I am going to live my life and deal with the hand god gave me. And I will talk about Lainey because she was born she was just born back unto god. Have I found all my faith in him back no but I have come to the conclusion that he may be the only one who gives a care about me so as far as humans I have no faith in u at least god has a little of my faith. Happy holidays everyone and have a happy new year!
November 16, 2011
Ok do does anyone else have days where you feel like everyone is against you and your no matter how hard you try you can win...yeah that's how I feel today...it is 6:30am and I have not slept yet and do t think I will...I just feel wide awake and like I want to punch someone....on a brighter note got the draft for Lainey Jay 's headstone yesterday I mailed it back today her stone should be set before christmas im so excited! It looks awesome can't wait to see final result. Anyway I think when I get pregnant this time I am going to tell the family and no one else...nobody ever sees me so I can hide it...that way I don't have to deal with all the ppl...who knows maybe no one will know til the baby is here and several months old...lol yea right I wish....oh well I guess I can dream....well im going to change out laundry later gators!
November 11, 2011
ok well I have been looking at baby names getting a head start! Me and Eric have decided that December 31st will be the last birth control pill I will take and we will start trying for a Rainbow Baby...I am so ready but at the same time i am terrified but my excitement overpowers my horror...I am ready to be an earth baby mommy I will always be a mommy just my daughter plays with Angels. I will always be paranoid because of what I have been thru but that only makes me stronger and with what my daughter has shown me that she has seen for me How can i not want to try agian and move on with my life. there is no other way but to move and and honor Lainey in anyway I can. Her siblings will know about her and talk about her and they will understand that they have the best Guardian angel ever and she is their sister and she loves them and watches over them everyday! I also want to let everyone know that I am still fine I am moving forward and I can not wait to watch my children grow!
Thank you for everyone that has supported me thru this and i appreciate everything.
November 7, 2011
Ok well it has been a minute since I posted and im awake again as usual at 4am....I really do miss sleep even more do I miss rest...*sigh but anyway...so had a great dream the other night its wonderful that the nightmares stopped anyway the dream was that I was in a nursery and I was holding a little blonde haired blue eyed girl and I look up and Lainey walks into the nursery holding my Daddy's hand my dad has a huge smile on his face and Lainey walks over to me and touches the infants face and smiles and says awww my sissy, mommy I love my sissy. Mommy I hope you love her too, because me and pawpaw picked her out for you ...and I woke up. Now anyone who knows me knows that usually if I dream and remember them and then I dream the same dream three times it comes true. God I truly hope this comes true it doesn't have to be a little girl but I just want a healthy alive baby to bring home. I hope no one ever feels the hurt of burying your child at any age but I know it happens but I don't wish this heartache on my worst enemy. Everyone feels im broken...and on a way I am but what this dream has brought me is the peace I needed to move on my beautiful daughter has shown me I have good things in store for my life and must move forward no matter how much it hurts. I understand it has only been three months and lord knows it has felt like an eternity ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday but I feel with the support I have I am doing better than most in my "situation" im not suicidal im not depressed im happy I'm just not complete and yes I will always have a hole in my heart where my daughter should be I should be watching her grow but im not here on earth but my dreams are allowing me to see what she will be when I see her again because when she came to me she looked like a beautiful one year old and that brings peace in knowing that daddy has a beautiful granddaughter to keep him on his toes! I know that people in my "situation" has to have therapy and can not move on but for me moving on is not forgetting because I could never forget her beautiful face but it is looking at the future that my daughter sees for me and that is peace enough for me to get thru this because as much as this hurts anything I could do here on this earth can not and will not bring her back so to honor her I must hold my head up and move on with life and enjoy what I have and not dwell on what's no longer here. So for everyone worried about me thank you but im fine and I know this will be hard for some to understand but im not the same as I was im a different person but after everything I knew I would never be the same. Now with that said I do not need any extra "drama" in my life so I apologize ahead of time if you see me in the store and I do not even acknowledge your existence im sorry but I have decided that you would do more harm than good and I do not need you or your pity parties so please do not take this personal but if you are not a solution to my "problems" then you are the cause and if that is the case then I am sorry but you will have to find another person to complain to! Some "friends" are better left on facebook and that's where they are the best because in person y'all suck. Sorry to be so brutal but sometimes the truth hurts. So for the people out there that it is all about you and what you have and you have to be center of attention or you will throw a hissy fit then you can go on because from now on you will not get sympathy from me and I hate that im like this now but my walls are up and I don't see them falling anytime soon. Shallowness is not an excuse no more than stupidity is so thank you for understanding that im done with having adults that act like two year olds around me. If you need someone to pet you and stroke your egos then I suggest someone besides me because all I will tell you is to suck it up at least you are breathing and you woke up this morning so sorry I don't have time for games. Thank you and have great miserable lives because one day you will wake up and realize no one likes you and you are all alone without any friends and im so sorry but if you think I need therapy ha when you get to that point it will be too late for you and then what will you do...as for me I am going to live my life surrounded by only the ones that truly love and care about me and are not fake. Because I don't need quantity I am looking for quality. Thank you for teaching me who I can count on and trust because when you are so close to the bottom and ready to give up you find out who you can trust and who is truly there for you and not to just make themselves look good. From this moment on I am holding my head up and looking forward hope to see you in my future because my friends list is very short.
Ok now that I have ranted im am going to say thank you to my special and wonderful "family" that no matter what has been there and never let me fall all the way down we have had rough spots but we have always got thru together I love y'all so very much and thank you! Time for a fresh start and there is nothing but up from here.
*To my Wonderful Husband Eric, Baby I love you and can't imagine where I would be without you. You are my rock and have kept me together thru all of this and for that I could never say thank you enough. I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together and having more beautiful children and watching them grow to be wonderful adults and starting families of their own. I am so glad I have you baby you are my everything!
