Well Lainey's 2 month angelversary is coming up in a few short days. It seems like an eternity ago but at the same time it seems like yesterday I was pregnant. I have an angel mommy friend who our babies were very close like a few days apart. She is younger than me and is not dealing so well but people are cruel. She thinks no one wants to be around her because she is the girl who's child died. As true as this is at the same rime here is my opinion on mothers that have buried children. We are special breed of mother for we gave birth to angels. God chose us to carry his most valuable possessions his angels. He knew that he would have to choose the strongest and bravest women for this task, just as he chose Mary to give birth to Jesus. How special are we to be able to say this "I gave birth to a special Angel for God he/she was so special they never had to suffer this cruel world we face and they got to go to be with him so like we took care of them in our womb and some mommies for a short while they are going to help prepare a place for us when we get to see them again." I know I am not the most religious person alive and that I am a sinner but God loved me enough to make me an Angel Mommy of one of the most beautiful angel I have ever known my little girl Lainey Jay. I can't wait to see her playing and running with them big ol daddy feet in wonderful fields with all her family. I know this is a good day right? This doesn't mean I will be ok with this but I have to find a brighter way if looking at this or its gonna eat me alive. Today is an "easy" day now tomorrow is sure to be a new day with just as many surprises hopefully it will be good and smooth too but who knows. NEVER COUNT ON TOMORROW LIVE FOR TODAY AND LIVE EACH DAY AS YOUR LAST SO YOU WILL NEVER HAVE REGRETS ONLY MEMORIES THAT ENDED WITH A BANG! Love everyone of you guys and I would not be doing as well as I am without the special and wonderful people I have in my life. So for that I thank every single one of you. Muah and goodnight all!
September 23, 2011
Well lets see...no major breakdowns in the last couple of days so maybe im getting "better" been having great family time with my momma and mom in law while walking. I am loving my walking i have been trying to go everyday. We even got rained on the other day :-( only got to make one lap. Today my boys and sis niki joined me and mom...i love walking with the boys we even ran a small lap :-) SO NOT READY FOR THAT it about killed me...lol. I got my pictures from the hospital in. Lainey is so pretty they are gorgeous. I absolutly love Crystal Goss she is a great photographer. If she can take great photos in hospital lighting and under the situation like mine she is good! She is definately an A+. My pictures are awesome i love them.
Me and Eric was talking last night and we are thinking of six months trying agian we think we should try and keep the family tradition of November Babies ;-) (inside joke) Hopefully my sis niki and me will be preggo at the same time....that would be awesome :-)
Mom and Pawpaw are getting Laineys Headstone ordered this week I cant wait til its set Mom bought me the cutest angel to set on it and the cutest pink daisies to put in the angels pot. I love it<3 they are going to look so good. I am so very thankful for my family i truely dont know what i would do without them. They are defitnately my soild foundation that holds me up and together....even if i am harst and unkind they still love me.
Mom took me and got our hair cut the other day (mine is like tara from sons of anarchy season 4 photo below) i love it! I have bangs i havent had bangs since high school! Today has been a good day i havent broke down and i have barely cried. So i know everyone says it gets easier with time and i know it does because its been almost 13 yrs since Daddy died in fact 10-10-11 is going to be a bad day....but it is easier to function day by day....and with Lainey it is a whole different pain it actually feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest on somedays, but i make myself get up and face the day i know she would want it that way.
Well Eric got taser certified the other day he was so excited! I cant wait to see the video i bet its hilarious! And apparently he is not crazy enough to draw a check but crazy enough to work at the jail cuz he had a psych test yesterday and passed. I love that man so much i just hope he knows how much and how much i need him and love every minute im with him. He is my rock that never fails me. <3 anyway i guess im headed to bed for the night i get the boys back tomorrow night so i gotta walk before they get to that house around 5 or 6 but i cant wait ive missed them :-) goodnight all. Talk soon <3
Me and Eric was talking last night and we are thinking of six months trying agian we think we should try and keep the family tradition of November Babies ;-) (inside joke) Hopefully my sis niki and me will be preggo at the same time....that would be awesome :-)
Mom and Pawpaw are getting Laineys Headstone ordered this week I cant wait til its set Mom bought me the cutest angel to set on it and the cutest pink daisies to put in the angels pot. I love it<3 they are going to look so good. I am so very thankful for my family i truely dont know what i would do without them. They are defitnately my soild foundation that holds me up and together....even if i am harst and unkind they still love me.
Mom took me and got our hair cut the other day (mine is like tara from sons of anarchy season 4 photo below) i love it! I have bangs i havent had bangs since high school! Today has been a good day i havent broke down and i have barely cried. So i know everyone says it gets easier with time and i know it does because its been almost 13 yrs since Daddy died in fact 10-10-11 is going to be a bad day....but it is easier to function day by day....and with Lainey it is a whole different pain it actually feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest on somedays, but i make myself get up and face the day i know she would want it that way.
Well Eric got taser certified the other day he was so excited! I cant wait to see the video i bet its hilarious! And apparently he is not crazy enough to draw a check but crazy enough to work at the jail cuz he had a psych test yesterday and passed. I love that man so much i just hope he knows how much and how much i need him and love every minute im with him. He is my rock that never fails me. <3 anyway i guess im headed to bed for the night i get the boys back tomorrow night so i gotta walk before they get to that house around 5 or 6 but i cant wait ive missed them :-) goodnight all. Talk soon <3
September 19, 2011
OK well me and mom decided to spring clean we took everything out of the cabinets in the kitchen and rewashed and rearranged everything. I have found as long as I stay busy it dont hurt as bad but its hard to stay busy 24 hrs a day... I have found that eventually you run out of things to do and energy to do them. I have a lot of confusing thoughts right now. There are days it all feels like a dream, today well tonight is one of them moments I wish I would just wake up from this nightmare already! Sometimes I feel like i am a bother to everyone I love. I am broken! I began birth control Sunday and it hurt, it made my heart ache. Why me? I just dont understand, I know that she would want me to move on but i dont want to, mainly because I am afraid i will forget, i want to be miserable because at least i feel like the memory is there but everyone wants me to just move on and "get better" but I cant. I feel like a failure and I like it that way. I know i shouldnt feel that way but punishing myself makes me feel better. I want her back its not fair! You are not suppose to bury children. she didnt even get a chance to experence anything. I had so many plans and trips and stuff i wanted to show her and do with her... the zoo, the park, the ocean...now nothing...somedays I want to give up but im too strong willed to let myself and it sucks. I want to be the kind of person that just stays in my pjs and eats ice cream and watches old movies in the dark by myself all day but i wont let myself no matter what i want. I have actually found myself going a whole day without thinking about her and when I realize it i feel like a horrible person, mother. Just like i havent figured out how i didnt know she was dead for over two days inside me what kind of mother does that. yea you could say tonight is a bad night, and im up alone with just my thoughts and my dogs who by the way are asleep...i just dont know maybe i really am broken merchandise...maybe eric and momma needs to find my reciept and trade me in for another me that is not defective.
I saw this poem on one of my facebook groups and thought it fit!
I saw this poem on one of my facebook groups and thought it fit!
September 18, 2011
Well Me and my Hubby had a date night last night...We went to the mall and bought us some shoes lol then went to eat at Arby's yummy love me some Arby's :-) then went to the Crash Derby at Garland Co. Fair! It was awesome...I had never been before and so we went and I had a blast, It was so much fun watching the cars slam into each other. I told Eric I wanted to help "fix" the cars they were taking sledge hammers to them and jumping on them, stress relief I think so! We left there shortly before Midnight and decided to see if James and Dad was at 911 and of course they wasnt but my sis Niki was leaveing so I called and she worked swing last night so she was meeting James and Dad at Waffle House so away we went :-) Got there and it was packed so we went to JJ's and waited an hour for our food...funny how things work, when we got done eating we were all outside talking and James got a wreck call, so away they went and Eric and me decided to follow to see if he could help. we got there and the truck went off the road (driver fell asleep) and was upside down under a bridge! The Driver was fine he was actually walking around at the scene. We waited for the wrecker and goofed off at the scene while the wrecker rednecked the truck onto the road to put it on the roll back and let me tell ya small old bridge and HEAVY wrecker with truck hanging by chains over the side of the bridge is a little scarey :-/ but all in all I had a great date night with the hubby last night and we got in around 4am this morning. Can't wait for our next Date Night, to see what we can get into.
Oh before the date night started I went walking and took e-or, we went and visited Lainey. E-or loved it.
Oh before the date night started I went walking and took e-or, we went and visited Lainey. E-or loved it.
9/17/2011
E-or @ Lainey's Grave
September 16, 2011
Well today started out horrible, I had went to bed last night with a horrible migraine and woke up with the same one. Thankfully it went away. I am excited because Eric is off tomorrow and we are having a date night and we are going to the derby tomorrow I cant wait. I love our date nights we dont get them very often. So they are great when we get to have them.
We got the paperwork in the mail today to order Lainey's headstone. it is going to be so pretty it has an angel and rose and it has her name and Infant Daughter of Eric and Amanda and it has Born Sleeping August 2, 2011 and has Our Precious Angel on it. Its gonna cost $364.00 which was alot less then I expected. I cant wait to see it in person!
Mom ordered my Angel necklace that has her birthstone in it, it should be in by the first and I'll take a picture and upload it so yall can see, I cant wait to see it, and wear it. It matches my Mother's Ring she got me too.
I have not heard from NILMDTS or Mamie's Poppy Plates and I wish I would because I am ready to see them. My pictures and my Memorial Plate with her footprints on it.
I made Lainey's Shadow Box the other day, it is hanging in our room but will go in the living room once it gets painted. It is so pretty I love it. It has her outfit and blanket from the hospital in it and a lock of her hair and her Lainey onesie that Catherine got her and her Hair bows that Andi and Nicole got her and her Harley outfit that PawPaw bought her. and on top is a photo frame with several photos in it and her rubber ducky from her baby shower cake and her eeyore i bought her. Also it has one of every flower from her grave in it, and her Obituary from the funeral home. it turned out so good. I will upload photos later of it.
Well I guess I am fixen to head to bed so I can be rested for my date night tomorrow. Goodnight all.
We got the paperwork in the mail today to order Lainey's headstone. it is going to be so pretty it has an angel and rose and it has her name and Infant Daughter of Eric and Amanda and it has Born Sleeping August 2, 2011 and has Our Precious Angel on it. Its gonna cost $364.00 which was alot less then I expected. I cant wait to see it in person!
Mom ordered my Angel necklace that has her birthstone in it, it should be in by the first and I'll take a picture and upload it so yall can see, I cant wait to see it, and wear it. It matches my Mother's Ring she got me too.
I have not heard from NILMDTS or Mamie's Poppy Plates and I wish I would because I am ready to see them. My pictures and my Memorial Plate with her footprints on it.
I made Lainey's Shadow Box the other day, it is hanging in our room but will go in the living room once it gets painted. It is so pretty I love it. It has her outfit and blanket from the hospital in it and a lock of her hair and her Lainey onesie that Catherine got her and her Hair bows that Andi and Nicole got her and her Harley outfit that PawPaw bought her. and on top is a photo frame with several photos in it and her rubber ducky from her baby shower cake and her eeyore i bought her. Also it has one of every flower from her grave in it, and her Obituary from the funeral home. it turned out so good. I will upload photos later of it.
Well I guess I am fixen to head to bed so I can be rested for my date night tomorrow. Goodnight all.
September 14, 2011
Have you ever had just one of those days...yeah well today was mine...i just felt alone and depressed...i can honestly say that today was the first day that I have actually felt just absolutely depressed. I have wanted to cry all day and going to visit her didnt help today like it usually does it actually made it worse... I honestly just didnt want to get out of bed and do anything but i literally made myself. But i still just feel horrible. I just got off the phone with my hubby and i was bawling and he was there to catch me as usual....i always seem to pick the worse days to have my breakdowns. He woke up in a bad mood and it went down from there and then i have a breakdown. I am so glad he is so strong because there is no way i could get thru any of this without him. I am miserable with myself at times. Im glad i have all my family because this would be ten times worse without them. Hopefully tomorrow will be better maybe.
September 8, 2011
Well i went in for my six week check up today and got the results of the autopsy...long story short they still dont know cause but they do know that it was not a cord accident that happened after death. They took blood today to see if i have any antibodies of infections that could have caused this but he said that they did note that the placenta was smaller than they thought it should have been. So in a nutshell they dont have a clue.... So still no answers but he said on the blood work no news is good news. So the blood work should at least give us something to go by for my next pregnancy. I am going to be put in high risk category next pregnancy so they can keep a watch on me. I love you guys for everything...
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September 6, 2011
Well today put the icing on the cake for the end of the weekend. I woke up this morning around 3am and found that my freezer that was full of food died so we had to buy another one today great right?!? I took a small nap with my hubby today (who had been awake for almost 48 hours straight) and then i woke up and realized that today was Laineys one month since i buried her and low and behold on came the panic attack. I have not been to her grave in over a week because i didnt get to go before we left for our trip so i think that is not helping the attacks any so maybe when i go see her i will feel better. I am going thursday for my six week check up and it is surreal i should have a child to take with me to the check up and have to pack a diaper bag and i dont have to do any of that and its depressing. I miss her so much i just cant explain the pain and heartbreak i feel. I want to be a mommy so bad i ache. I thought when the doctor said i could get pregnant in three months that was soon but now i dont think its going fast enough. Its only been a month and me and eric wants to wait longer and im not sure if ill make it. I cant wait to be a mommy. But at the same time i am scared to death not only that i might have to bury another baby but that i wont be a good mommy. Im just scared but i want a baby to bring home so bad. I almost lost it when my husband said adoption not because of money but because i would feel like such a failure if i couldnt give him a baby of our own. Ok so enough of the saddness for today no matter how bad i feel right now...time for more tv and then wait for hubby to get home for cuddle time and hopefully sleep and some exerciseing because im gaining some weight back....it is mostly water i cant seem to get rid of but maybe i can get it off soon and get back on track on my loosing and get to my goal weight! Well thats all for now.
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September 5, 2011!
Well vacation went great! I had a blast even though it rained all weekend we went right into tropical storm Lee lol and while we were here the truck broke down twice! We had a five gallon bucket of WATER in our gas tank and now because of that the guys had to fix two injectors. We tried to leave around 8am and had to come right back....but other than that we had a blast i enjoyed getting outta arkansas and visiting family and getting away for the weekend. Thank you to my wonderful inlaws for the vacation! I needed it so much. And i am proud of myself i only had one meltdown it was a big one, including a panic attack but it didnt last long only about 30 minutes but i dont know what triggered it...even my husband was confused. But all and all i had a blast and enjoyed our vacation. But im definately ready to be back home and see my mom and friends and my four legged babies :-) but right now we are sitting here waiting for the truck to be fixed then we will try getting home agian.....wish us luck lol. Ill update when we finally get home :-).
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We finally got home at 5:35 just in time for my hubby to head to work for a 12 hr. Shift. I had a great time this weekend and cant wait to do it agian....maybe without so many problems next time. It was hilarious to see my dogs reactions when i got home it took a good 30 minutes to calm them down! I missed them as much as they missed me lol. All in all great trip and i had a blast, but as with any trip its great to be home and laying in my own bed with my two boys ;-) Its days like today that I Love My Life <3
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September 2, 2011
Well Happy One Month Angelversary Baby Girl I Love You! Yesterday my wonderful inlaws and my husband decided a road trip was in order man am I glad they did...we are heading out at 2:30pm today Louisiana bound....I cant wait we are going to visit some of my momma in laws family and i love that I get to spend family time with my wonderful husband and his family. I am going to go visit my Angel before we leave and give her angel kisses for her angelversary and show her my mothers ring my mom bought me she wanted to give it to me since it came in and she thought the day before her one month would be perfect so i could wear it today. I love my mom so much she is the best mom a girl could ever dream of and i absolutly love love love my ring. Lainey would have been a month old today. As all these other mommy's babies are learning to crawl and walk mine is learning to fly and ride harleys...lol Tomorrow is the memorial mud ride for my dear friend Lucas who was tragically killed on his Motorcycle a little over a year ago and as much as i wanted to go i wasnt sure i could handle it....but i know uncle Lucas is taking my Angel for rides on his harley with another friend Big Jake who lost his battle with cancer. God I pray for a thunderstom today before we go that way i know Lainey is getting a ride for her angelversary....I know uncle Jay and Kyle are playing with her and they are having a great time and she is probably telling all them boys who is boss thats my princess. And PawPaw is giving her hugs and kisses and trying to bribe her into doing something he wants he was always good at that and her grandmas are telling stories about all of us down here and we will never hear the end of it when we see her agian. Dear Lord help me make it thru today without a major breakdown i dont want to ruin the trip Eric needs this more than i do and i need it really bad. I havent seen him this excited since we were pregnant. I am so glad i get to get away from malvern for a while its going to be refreshing to get outta arkansas away from all the bs here. Now if i could just get some sleep tonight that would be awsome. I just want to send my Angel hugs and kisses on her One month Angelversary I Love You Lainey Jay Hughes and always will.
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