September 6, 2011

Well today put the icing on the cake for the end of the weekend. I woke up this morning around 3am and found that my freezer that was full of food died so we had to buy another one today great right?!? I took a small nap with my hubby today (who had been awake for almost 48 hours straight) and then i woke up and realized that today was Laineys one month since i buried her and low and behold on came the panic attack. I have not been to her grave in over a week because i didnt get to go before we left for our trip so i think that is not helping the attacks any so maybe when i go see her i will feel better. I am going thursday for my six week check up and it is surreal i should have a child to take with me to the check up and have to pack a diaper bag and i dont have to do any of that and its depressing. I miss her so much i just cant explain the pain and heartbreak i feel. I want to be a mommy so bad i ache. I thought when the doctor said i could get pregnant in three months that was soon but now i dont think its going fast enough. Its only been a month and me and eric wants to wait longer and im not sure if ill make it. I cant wait to be a mommy. But at the same time i am scared to death not only that i might have to bury another baby but that i wont be a good mommy. Im just scared but i want a baby to bring home so bad. I almost lost it when my husband said adoption not because of money but because i would feel like such a failure if i couldnt give him a baby of our own. Ok so enough of the saddness for today no matter how bad i feel right now...time for more tv and then wait for hubby to get home for cuddle time and hopefully sleep and some exerciseing because im gaining some weight back....it is mostly water i cant seem to get rid of but maybe i can get it off soon and get back on track on my loosing and get to my goal weight! Well thats all for now.

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