OK well me and mom decided to spring clean we took everything out of the cabinets in the kitchen and rewashed and rearranged everything. I have found as long as I stay busy it dont hurt as bad but its hard to stay busy 24 hrs a day... I have found that eventually you run out of things to do and energy to do them. I have a lot of confusing thoughts right now. There are days it all feels like a dream, today well tonight is one of them moments I wish I would just wake up from this nightmare already! Sometimes I feel like i am a bother to everyone I love. I am broken! I began birth control Sunday and it hurt, it made my heart ache. Why me? I just dont understand, I know that she would want me to move on but i dont want to, mainly because I am afraid i will forget, i want to be miserable because at least i feel like the memory is there but everyone wants me to just move on and "get better" but I cant. I feel like a failure and I like it that way. I know i shouldnt feel that way but punishing myself makes me feel better. I want her back its not fair! You are not suppose to bury children. she didnt even get a chance to experence anything. I had so many plans and trips and stuff i wanted to show her and do with her... the zoo, the park, the ocean...now nothing...somedays I want to give up but im too strong willed to let myself and it sucks. I want to be the kind of person that just stays in my pjs and eats ice cream and watches old movies in the dark by myself all day but i wont let myself no matter what i want. I have actually found myself going a whole day without thinking about her and when I realize it i feel like a horrible person, mother. Just like i havent figured out how i didnt know she was dead for over two days inside me what kind of mother does that. yea you could say tonight is a bad night, and im up alone with just my thoughts and my dogs who by the way are asleep...i just dont know maybe i really am broken merchandise...maybe eric and momma needs to find my reciept and trade me in for another me that is not defective.
I saw this poem on one of my facebook groups and thought it fit!
I'll never be over it.
PLEASE, don't tell me he/she is in a better place.
He/She isn't here with me.
PLEASE, don't say at least he/she isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why he/she had to suffer at all.
PLEASE, don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a child. (And even then, grief is personal and you have no right to put a timeline on anybody else's grief)
PLEASE don't ask me if I feel better
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
PLEASE don't tell me at least you had him/her for so many days/months/years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
PLEASE, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
PLEASE, just say you are sorry.
PLEASE, just say you remember my child, if you do.
PLEASE, just let me just talk about my child.
PLEASE, mention my child's name.
PLEASE, just let me cry.
Author Unknown
It helps to know im not alone but sometimes your grief is a VERY lonely place and there is nowhere or noone to run to. Also why is it when I am feeling at my worst the song If I Die Young comes on. but strangely enough it makes me feel better... I love the part about the rainbow.
"IF I DIE YOUNG"
If i die young bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh ohLord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
And I'll be wearing white when i come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand
there's a boy here in town says that he'll love me forever
Whoever thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life well I've had just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life well I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
what I never did is done a penny for my thoughts oh no
I'll sell em' for a dollar they're worth so much more after I'm a goner
and maybe then you'll hear the words
I've been singing funny when you're dead how people start listen'Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time
So put on your best boys
And I'll wear my pearls
So put on your best boys, and I'll wear my pearls
I miss my baby girl so much....it still dont seem real...
Another good poem!
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to filll the womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth and learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are OK
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with me
Until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start!!!
Well I guess this is enough depressing writing today so more to come tomorrow!
An angel wrote in the Book of Life
August 2, 2011
Then whispered as she closed the book
"Too beautiful for Earth"
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