October 30, 2011

Well had a HUGE breakdown last night....sorry Eric you experienced the blunt of my lash out. But as always took it for what it was and helped me work thru it....I have decided that I am going to separate myself from the drama and bs of facebook for a while I just want to have real friends and concentrate on me and my family right now and try getting my head in the right spot because I have realized after last nights outburst that my head is not in the right spot its not even in the right ballpark so I feel the only way to do that is to distance myself from facebook and drama filled friends so if I walk by you and do not speak or even acknowledge your existence im sorry you are filled with to much drama for me to deal with! And you are the persons I am talking about at this point. New friends yes plz new atmosphere yes plz new life yes plz and clearer vision why yes I believe so. The internet is an awesome tool but I just can't believe how much it hurts also. Now I said I am distancing myself from facebook but this doesn't mean I will not get on there but it will possibly be once a week to check on an event im attending other than that I wont be on....I need to disconnect from everything and it starts right now. I will be doing this blog still and I will email so if you do not have my email im sorry comment below if you even care or even read this....sometimes I feel im the only one that actually reads this and gives a shit. But anyway....im getting back to me and if you are a part of the problem then you are being removed from my life without hesitation thank you and have a great life :-)

October 19, 2011

Ok so I have felt horrible for the past week and with meds and being sick I have slept ALOT lol so today since I have actually felt better it got me thinking again as usual. And all my feelings came flooding in as I was watching I didn't know I was pregnant (yea yea I know I pretty much did it to myself) and I really feel empty and alone I know im not alone but I feel that way. I feel useless and confused...why...then I think I want to try again and I want to do it now I don't want to wait six months....im tired of the empty feeling I want to be pregnant again it is the best feeling and I then told myself when I get pregnant again I will not complain because if I knew then what I know now I would have enjoyed and documented and just took in every step of Lainey's journey so in honor of my little girl I will do all the above things and more with the next pregnancy. I promise Lainey I will make sure I feel EVERY MOVEMENT your baby sibling does and I will be aware of EVERY SINGLE detail of them and I promise that their name will be original and will not connect them to anyone because no one gets to lay claim to this next baby.  I also promise that I will tell the new baby everyday how much they are loved by their big sister in heaven and that they have the best guardian angel in her. I also want EVERYONE to understand I am a mommy just my baby was so awesome that God wanted to keep her. I am a Mommy to an angel and I am very proud of that. I also want everyone to know that when I have another baby I don't have just one child I have two just one is in heaven and I will never forget her and will always include her in all family stuff. Geeze im a mess I really am a big mess and I feel broken......

October 12, 2011

Well let's see I made it thru Daddy's Angelversary on the tenth. 13 years....wow still feels like yesterday....I have had a bad week with a stomache bug and womanly problems and as always wal-mart visits seeing all the crackheads that have babies they don't deserve. But on a happy note I have got a total of $700 in groceries and household items for around $400 :-) coupons I love it!!!! My goal is to do a trip like that was on the show last night $900 for $4.65 yes sir that's the plan!!!! Ok guys here is the deal. I know im jumping around on subjects but anyway...Saturday is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day so at 7pm PLEASE remember to show your support and light a candle in remembrance of all babies gone too soon like my Lainey Jay.  October is not only breast cancer awareness month but it is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and I would love it if EVERYONE was as aware about that as they are breast cancer awareness both are equally as important as the other but I guess baby loss is taboo..... so tell everyone you know to not only wear your pink for breast cancer awareness this month but wear baby pink and baby blue for our beautiful angel babies that are so very missed! I Love You Lainey Jay Hughes!
Mommy is hopefully going with aunt biking and getting at least a price on ur tattoo baby girl (see photo below) oh yeah its gonna hurt but I want it where I can see it and the foot is a perfect spot! Anyway im heading to bed talk later :-)

October 6, 2011

Had an awesome time today.  Went to Little Rock to Met-T's with Bubba James and Sis Niki to order Eric's Uniforms for work and then went to Denny's for lunch BEST PATTY MELT EVER then to an army surplus store got me some paracord gonna try my hand at making me and Niki a bracelet (Thin Blue Line for Our Husbands and in Memory of Lucas and Big Jake) hopefully I get the hang of it pretty quick and may start selling them to make extra money since I am constantly reminded I am not working. Also thinking about making support and awareness ribbons to sell. I hope to make some samples and start seeing what people's responses are to the items on facebook and here maybe even try ebay or etsy who knows maybe I can make some money with it. Anyway back to my great day, after the army surplus store we went to the Tallent's then went and picked up all those WONDERFUL AND ROWDY BOYS <3 them so so so much. Met back up at their house then went to Brown's to eat....so yummy! We rented a movie and went back to the Tallent's house and the boys went to sleep and the adults watched a movie on the couches. Great end to a great family day. We came home and they went to bed.  Long day for sis who had worked the night before with no sleep today but she is a trooper :-) Anyway Eric is asleep and so are my four legged kids but as usual im awake...wide awake :-( why is it I am so sleepy til I get in bed...I don't get it. But back is hurting so had to take some meds so maybe I'll be getting some shut eye here soon. Love you guys. Oh and please remember to show your support and light a candle in remembrance of all babies gone too soon at 7pm all time zones October 15th. Let's light the world and show a Angel Mommy that you care. 0:-) Goodnight All!!!

THIS CANDLE WILL BURN ALWAYS FOR OUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER LAINEY JAY HUGHES! MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE YOU ANGEL!!! FOREVER AND ALWAYS!

October 5, 2011

Well today was an OK day. I only had a couple of emotional moments. I love my walks with my mother-in-law. Unfortunately we have something in common we both know the pain of loosing children. she has buried two sons, which are buried by my daughter, i visit them all very often. I enjoy our walks because I believe they are making us closer. The loss of my daughter brought us closer on a whole different level, it is so nice to have another mother of an angel that is so close and don't mind talking with me and bawling our eyes out together while walking our asses off lol. We have decided that we want exercising to take the place of something, she said when she quits smoking that exercising is what will take the place of cigarettes, and I'm trowing myself into exercising to keep down my emotional breakdowns. I have to do something, coupons aren't working as well as they had been at the start of it... I want a baby that I can hold so bad, but at the same time I am so scared. For everybody that sees me I am a strong person but the truth is nobody knows how bad i am dying on the inside. the what ifs are killing me. Most days I can put on a smile and go on with my day, but some days i feel it is impossible for me to be OK, but no matter how bad the day is I have always managed to get on with my day, but some are definitely harder than others. I finally got her pictures from the hospital printed and out into an album, I even have some hanging in the living room, but I feel horrible because now I am afraid if someone comes over it will make them uncomfortable, and that's the last thing i want to do, but pictures is all i have. I feel obsessed with wanting something to hold on to...i hate this! I still don't know why me? why my daughter? why my mother in laws sons...I NEED ANSWERS that no one can give me and it is so aggravating! OK so maybe today wasn't as OK as I let it on to be....OK so other mommies of angels have said that it hurts to see other mommies with babies...it don't upset me, it just makes me yearn for a baby that much more...i loved holding Chloe Hughes it felt amazing holding a little girl, but it made me want a child of my own so bad, i hated to put her back in the stroller...OH Yeah and all the ladies that was pregnant with me and are having or about to have their babies are "paranoid" that what "happened" to me will happen to them, like my "condition" is contagious...HONEY LET ME TELL YOU I DON'T WISH THIS "CONDITION" ON MY WORST ENEMY OR EVEN THE MOST DRUGGED OUT CRACKHEAD ON EARTH, NO ONE DESERVES TO FEEL THIS PAIN! And by the way I don't have a disease, I'm not contagious, you can't catch this, but if you want to help me all you have to do is take care of yourself, don't be a bitch and think that it is just about you anymore because once you got pregnant it became about the baby, you have a choice they don't so don't be an idiot and be stupid, and believe that this could and won't ever happen to you, because I am here to tell you it CAN! As of August 2, 2011 my life WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, Yes I am a MOMMY, no my child is not with me, Not because I am a bad Mommy or that I didn't want my child, God decided that He wanted her back before this world got to corrupt her and tarnish her. Do I miss her, HELL YES! Do I envy her, HELL YES! Did I deserve this, HELL NO! If someone was to say what is the best day of your life I would say the day my Angel was Bron...if someone was to say what was the worst day of your life I would say the day my Angel was Born Sleeping...It's not a Joke it is a true thing and it hurts like hell and I hate it. OK here is another RANT...October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I support this Cause 100% but Most people don't know October is ALSO Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month...You see Pink Ribbons EVERYWHERE! You DO NOT SEE PINK AND BLUE RIBBONS!...if you do see pink and blue it is a family member that has been through this "condition". My new goal is to Make AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE AWARE before the end of October...I want to see just as many pink and blue ribbons on people as I do pink ribbons. Help me by supporting Grieving Mothers everywhere, and tell someone else! I think I am going to start selling awareness ribbons, if anyone is interested...they wont be much maybe satin pink and blue ribbons together with a butterfly maybe...I really want to do something in honor of my Angel and My Brother in law that I never met. What do you guys think...well guys enough for tonight I guess it is time for bed. I get to go with my Hubby tomorrow to order his uniforms and look around in Little Rock at Cruz. I am excited to get to spend some quality time with my honey! Goodnight!

 

 

October 2, 2011

Happy 2 month Angelversary Baby Girl we love you! I can't believe that it has been two months. In a way it seems like just yesterday I held you in my arms and said goodbye and at the same time it feels like forever ago I said goodbye. I miss you oh so very much. I know Daddy and the grandparents do too. I found the cutest retire halloween costume and thought any that's what Lainey can be for halloween and then realization slapped me straight in the face again.....I hate when I let it do me that way!
Well Lainey Jay me and daddy have spent the last two days with ur grandpa...lol I have had a blast figuring out his free computer and showing him how to use his phone I love doing that kind of stuff....I finally got ink so I printed out all your pictures to put in your albums and baby books. I just can't believe it has been two months! Oh yea baby girl tell uncle Lucas happy birthday and give him a huge hug for me it is his birthday in a few days. Oh and baby girl tell papaw that I said BJ is with y'all now so make sure he finds him and helps him out ok sweetie!?! Well Baby Girl just wanted you to know I love you and to tell you happy 2 month Angelversary Mommy Loves You and Miss You Oh So Much!!!!! Goodnight baby girl!!!

Oh and here are some pictures one is a picture a fellow angel mommy made for me and the other is your angel garden in the spring there will be your birth flower in there :-)