October 5, 2011

Well today was an OK day. I only had a couple of emotional moments. I love my walks with my mother-in-law. Unfortunately we have something in common we both know the pain of loosing children. she has buried two sons, which are buried by my daughter, i visit them all very often. I enjoy our walks because I believe they are making us closer. The loss of my daughter brought us closer on a whole different level, it is so nice to have another mother of an angel that is so close and don't mind talking with me and bawling our eyes out together while walking our asses off lol. We have decided that we want exercising to take the place of something, she said when she quits smoking that exercising is what will take the place of cigarettes, and I'm trowing myself into exercising to keep down my emotional breakdowns. I have to do something, coupons aren't working as well as they had been at the start of it... I want a baby that I can hold so bad, but at the same time I am so scared. For everybody that sees me I am a strong person but the truth is nobody knows how bad i am dying on the inside. the what ifs are killing me. Most days I can put on a smile and go on with my day, but some days i feel it is impossible for me to be OK, but no matter how bad the day is I have always managed to get on with my day, but some are definitely harder than others. I finally got her pictures from the hospital printed and out into an album, I even have some hanging in the living room, but I feel horrible because now I am afraid if someone comes over it will make them uncomfortable, and that's the last thing i want to do, but pictures is all i have. I feel obsessed with wanting something to hold on to...i hate this! I still don't know why me? why my daughter? why my mother in laws sons...I NEED ANSWERS that no one can give me and it is so aggravating! OK so maybe today wasn't as OK as I let it on to be....OK so other mommies of angels have said that it hurts to see other mommies with babies...it don't upset me, it just makes me yearn for a baby that much more...i loved holding Chloe Hughes it felt amazing holding a little girl, but it made me want a child of my own so bad, i hated to put her back in the stroller...OH Yeah and all the ladies that was pregnant with me and are having or about to have their babies are "paranoid" that what "happened" to me will happen to them, like my "condition" is contagious...HONEY LET ME TELL YOU I DON'T WISH THIS "CONDITION" ON MY WORST ENEMY OR EVEN THE MOST DRUGGED OUT CRACKHEAD ON EARTH, NO ONE DESERVES TO FEEL THIS PAIN! And by the way I don't have a disease, I'm not contagious, you can't catch this, but if you want to help me all you have to do is take care of yourself, don't be a bitch and think that it is just about you anymore because once you got pregnant it became about the baby, you have a choice they don't so don't be an idiot and be stupid, and believe that this could and won't ever happen to you, because I am here to tell you it CAN! As of August 2, 2011 my life WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, Yes I am a MOMMY, no my child is not with me, Not because I am a bad Mommy or that I didn't want my child, God decided that He wanted her back before this world got to corrupt her and tarnish her. Do I miss her, HELL YES! Do I envy her, HELL YES! Did I deserve this, HELL NO! If someone was to say what is the best day of your life I would say the day my Angel was Bron...if someone was to say what was the worst day of your life I would say the day my Angel was Born Sleeping...It's not a Joke it is a true thing and it hurts like hell and I hate it. OK here is another RANT...October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I support this Cause 100% but Most people don't know October is ALSO Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month...You see Pink Ribbons EVERYWHERE! You DO NOT SEE PINK AND BLUE RIBBONS!...if you do see pink and blue it is a family member that has been through this "condition". My new goal is to Make AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE AWARE before the end of October...I want to see just as many pink and blue ribbons on people as I do pink ribbons. Help me by supporting Grieving Mothers everywhere, and tell someone else! I think I am going to start selling awareness ribbons, if anyone is interested...they wont be much maybe satin pink and blue ribbons together with a butterfly maybe...I really want to do something in honor of my Angel and My Brother in law that I never met. What do you guys think...well guys enough for tonight I guess it is time for bed. I get to go with my Hubby tomorrow to order his uniforms and look around in Little Rock at Cruz. I am excited to get to spend some quality time with my honey! Goodnight!