August 26, 2011

Well I went and saw my angel today her flowers are still pretty but too many more storms and they wont be. Today wasnt as hard as yesterday. Yesterday all i wanted todo was cry even at cicis there were two little blonde haired twin girls they were adorable and i just wanted to cry....the hardest thing today was my trip to Walmart...its always hard in there i hate going in that place....im glad i dont work there anymore im not sure i could handle it anymore. Lately i have been very bitter and snappy and for all my family that has caught the blunt im sorry. Im hoping it will get better soon. I have found that im enjoying life now a little bit better but i still have moments....but honestly i think i will always have moments. Mom said i amaze her...lol when people that dont know ask about the baby and all that i never change my facial expression and just say oh i had her on the 2nd she was stillborn. Their faces change but mine dont. She said i have never seen you that way ever...well why cry why make someone feel sorry for me...hell that wont bring her back so why go thru the misery that causes just tell people what happened and go on. No big deal. Mom still says it amazes her how i can do that. The ones that make me change emotions are the slutty pregnant bitches and the ones that have three dozen kids and are not taking care of them. Like today in walmart this chick was huge preggo and was wearing short shorts with her ass hanging out and a spaghetti strap that bearly covered her belly....really! PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON THATS WHY U KNOCKED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE GEEEEZE!!!! I cant help it i want to scream at the top of my lungs! And i promise one day i believe i am going to jail for beating a stupid bitch in walmart. Hopefully my husband and adopted brother can get me commited instead a padded room vaca i think thats a great idea....LMAO....i had a great time tonight at my adopted familys house got alot accomplished even though sis says im a slave driver lol plus i got alot accomplished yesterday at my house....i think im still nesting lol. I honestly dont know what im gonna do when everything is clean. I need a hobby but hobbies cost $$$ and we are running short on that til payday.... I really miss my hubby at night but im glad he is at the job he is at now he loves it and there is room for advancement. Well i have had a great day so im headed to bed for some zzzzzz....post more soon cant wait to see what tomorrow holds....i have learned to live like there is no tomorrow because one day there wont be. Goodnight everyone love yall. Goodnight Angel Mommy Loves You and misses you terribly give pawpaw a hug from me cant wait to see you agian.

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August 25, 2011

Well it is offically my due date. Ahhh my angel i miss you so much i cant believe it has been 23 days since you got your wings and got to meet your Pawpaw and grandmas and uncles. I wish you were here with us so i could watch you grow but i know that in gods eyes you were just too beautiful for this earth and he was so excited to see how great and wonderful you were that he just couldnt let you go so he gave you wings before i got to meet you. I know one day ill see you again but right now im being selfish and i dont like to share i want you here with me. I know your happy and playing with everyone up there but that really isnt helping me right now i wish i had you here. I Love You Baby Girl. I visit you often baby i have been to your grave at least once a week since you have been there. I cant wait to get your headstone there so i can start adding more flowers. I promise i will always have flowers there and they will be beautiful always if they fade i will put fresh ones there you will never have ugly flowers angel. Also i am going to get you an angel that i can paint and put on your grave and i am going to make you a shadow box with all your stuff in it so i can see a part of you everyday. Oh and your Granny is going to make your big rabbit blanket into a hierloom and put all of our names on it and im going to hang it on the wall. Also i am so far keeping your plants alive and i hope i can until we get a new house cuz then im going to plant them in a garden im going to make for you baby. I love you baby girl and i will always love you and watch over Daddy and Uncle James while they are out fighting bad guys, keep them safe and protect them for me. Lainey Jay we love you and i know you are our own little angel. Love You Always, Mommy.


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Well Lainey Jay today has been difficult I have cried a lot, I am sorry I am trying to be strong, but its just not working. I am so glad I have your Daddy to help me thru because I honestly think if I didn't I couldnt get outta bed everyday. I miss you Baby Girl more than you will ever know. Today I was pleasantly surprised by your Uncle James and Aunt Niki and Your Brothers, they showed up at the house and woke Daddy up so we could go eat at CiCi's I had fun we went to the Mall afterwards, its funny I find myself still picking out clothes for you...I have so much stuff that you never got to see or use, I know your wearing the most beautiful pink robe and wings up there with your PawPaw, Jay, Kyle, Lucas and grandparents, but that still dont mean that I wish you could have seen all the wonderful stuff everyone picked out for you here. Baby Girl everyone is saying this will get easier but I just cant see how, I miss you more each day that passes. Granny said something that scared me today, she said she figures I will be pregnant agian by Christmas.....as much as I want to give you a Baby Brother or Sister I dont know if I can handle it...I honestly dont know if I am strong enough to go thru this agian ever, what if they leave me too. I am scared outta my mind that I will screw up agian, like I did with you, I know God had bigger plans for you and that you were just too beautiful for this earth but I still cant convince myself I didnt do anything wrong. I am so sorry Baby Girl I failed you I should have known something wasnt right...I promise this because this is the only thing I can give you is my promise, I promise that I will do everything in my power to make sure that your brother or sister will not end like you, and that when they are born and as they grow I will make sure that they know the wonderful Angel they have watching over them and that she was such a great sister already that God just couldnt give you up, so he kept the best Angel for them and that Angel is their Sister. Lainey Jay Hughes you are my world and I will love you more everyday until I see you agian. Fly Safe Baby Girl I Love You.

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August 23, 2011

Well today is going to be day 1 of get Amanda healthy. Im ready! I can't start walking like I want to yet because it is extremely still too hot. Plus I still can't drive, but on comes smaller portions and healthier food. I am going to try to lose at least 40lbs. That will put me 10 under my goal weight. That way when I get pregnant agian I will be at a healthier weight so maybe I can avoid gestational diabetes this next time. It is all going to be worth it. My goal is to be at goal weight in four months. That is ten pounds a month to lose I think it is a reasonable goal and I will be able to accomplish it fairly easy. I hope my body goes back to a normal schedule with my cycle and stuff....but we will see. Well time for sleep and then up to start the day...HEALTHIER!!!!

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August 21, 2011

Well had a blast yesterday...even though my heart stopped a couple of times. We went with friends to a motorX race it was awesome, but my friends' son had a wreck and messed up his shoulder...and i just happened to be videoing the when it happened...it was scarey...but fun i had a blast. Eric went to work last night to cover a shift for a friend who is in the hospital so he is dead asleep right now. Only me and my thoughts...lol. Everyone is amazed at how well i am doing. If they could only see me at times like these where my mind has nowhre to go or nothing but her to focus on....I know shecwouldnt want me to mope around and be depressed all the time she would want me to move on and get better besides she is happy and playing with her family and friends up in heaven right now she is not sad or hurting so she would want me to be the same way...too bad its not always that simple...But everyday i get a little bit stronger and i move ahead just a little bit more. Its days like today where its just me on a gloomy morning with only my thoughts that i feel like im taking a few steps back instead of forward. I cant wait to be all healed up physically so i can get back to a normal pace and routine. When i had to take off accross the field yesterday i realized im not in as good of shape as i need to be...going to change that...gotta get healthier and get my weight down so i can try having another baby and get a hold of my life and maybe just maybe feel better about myself physically and emotionally. Also gotta get in shape cuz running like that liked to have killed me lol....you know you have great friends when something happens they are the first on scene and drop everything to make sure your ok...its nice to feel loved.
Yesterday the funnest part was watching the little kids race....OMG they were adorable!!! They were raceing thier little hearts out...it was too cute. They were giving each other hell out there.....btw Rori im with you i think me, niki and you will all just die if holli wrecks...lol she is too tough though so we know she will be fine but her is still our little girl...even if she is all tomboy lol that just means she gonna give them boys hell when she gets out there :-) . Well i guess im gonna lay back down for awhile see if this headache will find another place to go....i just want everyone to know that is reading this. I Love You all and each one of yall are special to me in your own way and I couldnt be who i am without each one of yall and thank you for everything. The prayers and shoulders to cry on and the funny moments and the im too emotional for my own damn good moments. And thank you for continueing this emotional rollercoaster ride with me. I am so greatful to have friends like you.

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August 15, 2011

Well it has been 13 days since I gave birth. Me and Mom packed away all Lainey's things except a few items I want to put in a shadow box to display in memory of her. I am proud of myself I only cried once. I had another moment today this time I was just pissed off...Me and Mom went back to Wal-Mart to get more vaccum seal bags and as we walked in there was a chick who was either 9months or just huge...and the daddy was bringing up the rear of a train of 7 all young some looked like mutiples....neither was holding any of the kids hands as they hurried outside the doors....ok well that would have pissed me off before I had my Angel but I was outraged and spoke up this time...very strong and loud o_O.... I said THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF WHY DOES PEOPLE LIKE THEM WHO ARE CLEARLY HAVING KIDS FOR ONLY THE FREE MONEY GET TO HAVE THE "INCONVENENCE" OF CHILDREN AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO HEAR MY DAUGHTER CRY!!!!!! Mom just said it is going to be fine I promise. I know she means well and I know I probably embarrassed her but it is NOT ok and it is NOT going to be fine...I want my daughter here with me...Physically...I kniw she is always with me but I want to hold her and wake up to feed her I want to take care of her and play with her. I want to be "inconvenenced" by her. Was that seriously too much to ask? I feel empty inside, I feel like this is all a bad dream and any minute Eric is going to wake me up from it and tell me it is ok....and that I shouldn't have ate the spicy food the night before.....too bad that is never going to happen and it isn't a dream it is reality and it SUCKS ASS! I know I am ranting like a mad woman lol but I am afraid if I don't let all this emotion out it is going to eat me alive. I am trying to throw myself into different things that I need to get done like cleaning and cleaning up my facebook....but somehow I always end up alone in a room stareing at her beautiful face crying and asking God why....why me, why take kids I don't understand...I was reading statistics on stillborn births tonight and they are unreal something like (dont quote me because i am not 100% certain) 2000 babies a day in the US are born asleep everyday....I do know it is 1 in 4 women have a stillborn birth....that is unreal considering all of the technology we have here in the US.....that makes me ask why even more...but then I answer my own question when you listen to the police scanner or turn on the tv or Hell walk in Walmart....just look at the people that live in the US....All the drugs we have here ruining our lives....no one can self heal anymore everyone has to have pills on top of pills just to function for a few hours at work...the stress and drama that we face everyday is heartrenching. I truly dont understand why people can't just go about their day without making someone elses life miserable. All the he said she said is bullshit....get over yourself your not the only person in the world that is going thru something....and these "mothers" that bitch because they are tired and they havent got sleep because their baby kept them up all night piss me off because I am on a every two hour sleep schedule with no baby to cause it....I cant sleep anymore because my body feels like it should be feeding my daughter every two hours...i am still making milk although its hardly any now but its still there and i feel worthless....how do the people that choose to "terminate" their pregnancy without cause live with theirselves....I cant live with myself and I never chose this I was happy about my little girl and excited and couldn't wait to watch her grow and now I am left with nothing but a few photos of her in a casket and no telling how much money in clothes and stuff that is not being used....I dont understand how this is fair and in "God's Plan" but maybe one day I will quit being hurt, sad, pissed and confused and see why this all happened, but then again maybe I wont. If I had it to do all over agian I would do everything the same because at least I can say I gave birth to the most beautiful Angel in heaven and I did it without regret but I am still so full of sorrow and I cant help but feel empty and worthless. I know what everyone is thinking and no Im not suicidal and im not going crazy. I am grieving the only way I know how. FULL FORCE AND ALL EMOTIONS AT ONCE. No I dont need a theropist, no I dont need antidepressants. I just need to scream at anything i can to make me feel better. Although I know that it wont change anything but release is always good. I have to let go before I can move on and I have to move on to get well. And the only way I know to get well is to try to have another baby and I am doing my damnedest to make sure that is a possability and that I will start out a healthier woman than I did with Lainey and maybe just maybe I will be blessed enough to be half the parent as my parents and my inlaws have been to me. Without the support system I have I would not be doing as good as I am today... With that said my wonderful Husband should be getting off his first shift at his new job in about 40 minutes and I am hoping to get lots of love from him before curling up and sleeping the few hours I can with him like I have for the past few days (since I have finally been able to move and get half way comfy in bed healing process hurts o_O). BTW did I mention our angel has already been looking out for her Daddy....Ok story time lol We were at the funeral home making arrangements for our baby girl and Eric got a phone call. Usually he wouldnt answer but since the funeral director was on the phone trying to get a question we had answered for us he answered it and it was Lainey's GodDaddy James, he said hello Deputy Hughes and said that he was to start the new job at the Jail on the 18th....Eric was excited and told him great but I will have to call you back to get more information we are at the funeral home and that pretty much ended the conversation for right then. Now if you read my first post we had scheduled to be induced on the 18th, so that was Lainey's day. Well she "came" early and it turned into Daddy's Day :-) Eric had quit his job not knowing exactly when he was getting to start the jail because his exboss had some issues with Eric staying with me to take care of me while I was down, the pain meds i have been on I am not allowed to drive and with the stitches I couldn't get around by myself very easy so mom was working and He wanted to take care of me. Well his ex boss had a problem with that. So Eric quit. Thank Heaven for My Inlaws they have been wonderful helping with financal issues we have had in the past and this time was no different, and my Mom has been wonderful too helping with housework and running that usually I would do since I don't work. And my wonderful extended Family Niki and James have been awesome support too James has helped Eric get ALOT of the items he needed to start the new job and they have been there emotionally for me I seriously could not ask for better. And to everyone who has checked on me and cried with me and let me babble on and on about my journey so far and not slapped me for going on and on I thank you from the bottom of my heart yall are wonderful friends and are helping with my healing more than you know. And to my family and friends that have prayed everytime you have thought about me and my family Thank you because I know we need his help but right now I cant talk to him without being mad and I know he understands and that I need him the most right now but I am hurting and I just cant right now so Thank yall so much for going to him for me because I know I need him and yall are praying overtime for my family and you will never know just how much we appreciate every prayer that yall send up in behalf of us. To the people that have cried with me and let me bitch about people we know that have upset me Thank you for agreeing with me even if I am wrong. To Niki honey every trial has a lesson and this too shall pass. Stop stressing because the more you stress the less likely you are going to be on getting another wonderful child for me to babysit...who knows maybe we will be pregnant this time together and we will have a bond NOONE CAN BREAK (God help our husbands if we are preggo at the same time especially how emotional we are on normal basis and then we have to figure in our pregnancy hormones...To our husbands We apologise in advance and just remember WE LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT WE SAY o_O) Well I guess this is a long enough post for today. I Love Everyone Of the ones that reads this and thank you for taking time to try and understand my pain even if I make no sense thank you for trying.

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August 12, 2011

Well here it is 12:30 am and once agian I cant sleep...I am not sure if I'll ever sleep right agian...I know that I should sleep and that i will be tired tomorrow but I just cant...I love having my husband home at night, i need to take advantage of it because most nights he is not here...Everyone keeps asking when I am going back to work...I cant even go to walmart without crying...how in the hell am i suppose to work....come on people it has not even been a week since I buried my daughter...Why are some people so damn insensitive...bastards...ready to get back on track with bills, I have my tattoo picked out for my baby girl...photo is below. I got told today by a preachers wife that this wasnt Gods fault.... then whose fault is it... i want to meet them and tell them how shitty they are for taking my baby without asking me first....why dont I have a say so in this??? Why didnt someone ask me if I could handle her "condition" before they made this huge decision that I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!

Lainey's Story.

December 22, 2010 was the happiest day of my life. At 6am I got up to go to the restroom after waking from a dream. My dream was the start of a very wonderful journey, it was my brother-in-law who was killed in a car accident April 10, 2010 and he came to my bedside laid his hand on my stomach and chuckled and said HA another little Hughes and then as soon as he came he was gone. When I woke up after the dream I decided to take a test, I kept tests on hand to take before I started a new pill pack, I took the first test and it was positive, I couldn't believe it, so I took another test to make sure it was positive too! I was SO excited. I ran with the two tests in hand to the bedroom and woke my Husband. I told him WAKE UP I NEED YOU TO FOCUS! He was like what is wrong??? I showed him the tests and he was like OMG REALLY!!! We cried many tears of joy. With it being so close to Christmas we decided we would tell our families on Christmas Eve. We were at my Husband's Grandparents house on Christmas Eve and I made the announcement. Everyone was shocked but excited. We went to all of our prenatal appointments and saw our baby girl for the first time March 29, 2011 and as we figured she was stubborn and non-cooperative, but we finally confirmed she was a girl. I could not wait to start buying pink stuff. We had already decided a boy and girl name and so we announced that we were having a Lainey Jay Hughes in August. I was having a "normal" pregnancy and everything was going great my weight was good I had actually lost almost 30lbs but because I was overweight and she was growing on schedule my doctor was actually happy. I finally started gaining around the time for my second ultrasound, a few weeks before my second ultrasound I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and put on two pills a day to control my sugar. Then at my second ultrasound my world started to take an unexpected turn, my doctor said she has a dilated ventricle in her brain and some of her long bones were measuring short, he wanted to send me to a bigger hospital for a second opinion. So the following week I went to UAMS for my second opinion. They did another ultrasound and confirmed it my little girl was sick but they was not sure how sick until she got here, so that was the first time I heard the most popular phrase that I would hear over the next week, "we are going to prepare for the worst and PRAY FOR THE BEST" so that is exactly what I did. We made an appointment to be induced on August 18, 2011 I was to be there at 1am that morning to start the process. On August 1st at 8am I went to the restroom and I "lost my mucus plug" or what I thought was my mucus plug, I called the hospital to make sure they didn’t want me to come in just in case since I live 45 minutes away, they said no you should be fine. I wasn’t feeling well but I figured it was just because I wasn't sleeping at night. At 1:30am August 2nd I woke up from a "nap" and went to the restroom and it looked like I had started my period. I was scared to death, so I called the 24 hr line at the hospital and explained what was happening and they told me to hurry and come to the hospital. We got to the hospital around 2am and they rushed me up to labor and delivery. The nurse tried to find her heartbeat with the monitor and was having trouble locating it, which wasn’t unusual remember I said she was stubborn...so she said let’s get an ultrasound up here so we can see where to put the monitor. The next few moments changed my life forever. The first ultrasound tech came in and looked then another one looked and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "Honey I am looking at the baby's chest and there is not a heartbeat I'm Sorry". I said what you mean no heart beat! Can we do a C-section and save her? She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sweetie but she is gone our priority now is you, and a C-section is too risky now you will deliver vaginally." I was crying hysterically and so was my husband. I remember saying "I'm Sorry Baby I didn't know I am so sorry" My husband hugged me and said "Baby it's not your fault and we will get thru this together, I love you." The nurse went and got my mom and his mom and dad who had been in the waiting room, and they came in the very tiny room we were in and said OMG what is wrong, I said she is gone they can't find a heartbeat. And again I said I'm Sorry I didn't know I'm sorry. They told me like my husband it’s not my fault but I didn't understand how I couldn't know my child was dead inside me! How is that possible? That was the longest night and next day of my life. I was fully closed so they said it would be a long process. They started with a pill at 10 am to thin my cervix and they said I could have anything pain meds wise since I was the priority...in other words there was no baby to endanger...and they said I could have the epidural anytime even if I wasn't dilated, I held off on the epidural but I had a headache from lack of sleep and food since I had no eaten in about 12 hours at that point, so they gave me pain meds in my iv for the headache, I laugh now because my nurse said this will make your head spin so close your eyes and enjoy the ride...she was right. Shortly after that my cervix was thinned and I was beginning my heavier contractions so I asked for my epidural. They put it in and I got some needed sleep and when I woke up everyone had went home to check on pets and to change clothes and eat then head back up, my husband asked if I was fine and I said yes, he went downstairs to smoke, by the time he came back my water had broke and the nurse was in there checking me and I had lots of pressure. I was ready to push, now with a live birth the baby helps the mommy out by wiggling down to the birth canal, with mine I had to push her down, after about 30 minutes of pushing She crowned, now my family had came back in right before I was ready to push and her Godparents had made it back too, little did I know they were right outside my door listening to what was going on in my room but didn't have a clue what was going on, she crowned and my epidural stopped! I had a special epidural with a push button when I needed more pain control I pushed the button and it added relief, they said they would change it out and it wouldn't run out...well I progressed too fast for it to be changed in time so 2 minutes after my angel crowned I had 100% feeling back, so I gave birth NATURAL! I pushed her head out and then tried for her shoulders, she came sunny side up so my pelvic bone smashed her face, her shoulders got stuck and I actually had a nurse jump on top of my bed and physically help push her out because I didn’t have the strength at that point to do it on my own, I was exhausted. We got her out at 10:30pm 12 1/2 hours after I had been induced and she was 7lbs 3ozs 19 1/2 inches long. I felt EVERY INCH! I asked the doctor if she could identify the cause and she said her cord was wrapped really tight around her neck but there was other things that confused her and I asked if I had of come in at 8am the 1st if I could have saved her and they said no sweetie she has been gone for at least 48 hours her skin is peeling. I started crying and said "what kind of MOTHER doesn’t realize her child is dead for at least two days inside her?" My Nurse looked at me and said Honey this is not your fault, you couldn't have known, you couldn't see inside your tummy to know what was going on and if the fluid was moving her around you probably felt small jabs and kicks, enough to not realize anything was wrong. I now take comfort in that but I still don’t understand it all...We decided to do an autopsy so we could make sure what happened and also to maybe find something the ultrasounds missed so we can be better aware for the next pregnancy. We are still waiting on results. On August 6, 2011 at 2pm I buried my Little Girl, without ever seeing her smile or looking into her eyes (I don't even know what color they were) or even hearing her cry. I feel very cheated for getting to go thru all the process and emotions of labor and delivery naturally no less and not getting to bring my baby home with me, she never got to meet her dogs and never got to sleep in her house, never got to visit Grandma's and Grandpa's and even Pawpaw’s, she never got to meet Her God Parents, or any of the wonderful Family she has. The worst part is instead of planning her future that day when I got up, I was planning her funeral. I probably will never understand why God chose to "steal" my little girl from me but I know "everything happens for a reason" and I have to hold on to that or I believe I will go crazy.

I went to my Health Department appointment today to change over to "NONBREASTFEEDING" like I had a choice; I was engorged with milk that went to waste that I should have been giving to her. But anyway I changed over my WIC today then I had an appointment to follow up with a doctor at the hospital I delivered in, and while I was there, I was in the waiting room waiting to be called back and a Lady walked in she looked about 8 months pregnant and had a little girl that looked to be around 10 months old at the most on her hip with two little boys trailing behind her they were about 3 and 5 years old, I broke down...why can someone like that have beautiful and healthy babies and I lost mine? How is this fair? What did I do, was I a horrible person in another life to deserve to go thru all of this pain? Do I not deserve to be Happy? Maybe I don't but this is not going to bring me down yes it hurts and probably always will but I am stubborn that's where my Angel got it...I am determined to have children that I can raise and hold and teach, I asked the doctor when was a safe time frame to try again, and to my surprise he said 3 months! I was in shock I figured a year...but me and my husband has decided between 6 months and a year we are going to start trying again, in the meantime we are getting healthy, we are going to lose weight, I am well on the way to my goal already I am already 11lbs under pre-baby weight, and he is quitting smoking and we are going to start exercising and getting healthy so me at least has a better beginning so maybe I won’t have GD and won’t have the weight worry, now I am not a first timer so I kind of have a heads up ;-).

I want to mention a few tools that helped me thru my journey... first I had a App on my phone called baby bump, it is a web community that you can post and get answers from women who are going thru the same things you are at the same time, there is due date forums by month and they are having the same tests and everything about the same time you are so it is very helpful, there is also forums for grief and loss to help you thru the emotions you are feeling and they are shoulders to cry on without having to leave home...Also in the Hospital there was a photography service that was completely volunteer and free of charge they have a photographer come in and take photos of your infant and family so that you have as many memories as possible of your angel before you leave without them, they are wonderful and very professional and caring she came in my room at around midnight that night and had about an hour or so session with my family she asked what photos I wanted and made sure she got those photos plus...I can't wait to see my photos I know they will be awesome, she even wiped some blood out of her nose before she took a photo, because she wanted my Angel to look her best in her pictures. The service is called Now I Lay Me down To Sleep you should definitely check out their site! The next service was Mamie's Poppy Plates this is a ceramic plate with your baby's footprints on it that is sent to this Angel Mommy to paint and add your baby's information and a clear coat to seal it and send back to you as a keepsake for the grieving parents, I can't wait to get mine in the mail. I know it will be beautiful just like my Angel. These services are completely free of charge for the parents, and I can't believe the great service of the Hospital UAMS They are So kind and sincere and they treat you as a person not a number, I had nurses that actually sat on the end of my bed and cried with me for no telling how long and let me cry and talk about everything and they helped me thru a lot of this by listening and making sure I never blamed myself and let me be mad when I was mad and let me just babble on and on, they were there when my Husband was smoking or down at the food court and all my family was at home resting, and I was alone in my room with just my thoughts, which at them points was a very scary and dark place. So Thank you to all my Family and Friends who have stuck by me thru all of this, all the nurses and doctors at UAMS and the rest of the staff there that is continuing the healing treatment, the ANGELS 24 hr help line that has called me every day to check on me when I know it’s not their job, and all the volunteers that helped make this journey that has just began just a little bit easier to deal with. You will never know what each one of you mean to me.