Lainey's Story.

December 22, 2010 was the happiest day of my life. At 6am I got up to go to the restroom after waking from a dream. My dream was the start of a very wonderful journey, it was my brother-in-law who was killed in a car accident April 10, 2010 and he came to my bedside laid his hand on my stomach and chuckled and said HA another little Hughes and then as soon as he came he was gone. When I woke up after the dream I decided to take a test, I kept tests on hand to take before I started a new pill pack, I took the first test and it was positive, I couldn't believe it, so I took another test to make sure it was positive too! I was SO excited. I ran with the two tests in hand to the bedroom and woke my Husband. I told him WAKE UP I NEED YOU TO FOCUS! He was like what is wrong??? I showed him the tests and he was like OMG REALLY!!! We cried many tears of joy. With it being so close to Christmas we decided we would tell our families on Christmas Eve. We were at my Husband's Grandparents house on Christmas Eve and I made the announcement. Everyone was shocked but excited. We went to all of our prenatal appointments and saw our baby girl for the first time March 29, 2011 and as we figured she was stubborn and non-cooperative, but we finally confirmed she was a girl. I could not wait to start buying pink stuff. We had already decided a boy and girl name and so we announced that we were having a Lainey Jay Hughes in August. I was having a "normal" pregnancy and everything was going great my weight was good I had actually lost almost 30lbs but because I was overweight and she was growing on schedule my doctor was actually happy. I finally started gaining around the time for my second ultrasound, a few weeks before my second ultrasound I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and put on two pills a day to control my sugar. Then at my second ultrasound my world started to take an unexpected turn, my doctor said she has a dilated ventricle in her brain and some of her long bones were measuring short, he wanted to send me to a bigger hospital for a second opinion. So the following week I went to UAMS for my second opinion. They did another ultrasound and confirmed it my little girl was sick but they was not sure how sick until she got here, so that was the first time I heard the most popular phrase that I would hear over the next week, "we are going to prepare for the worst and PRAY FOR THE BEST" so that is exactly what I did. We made an appointment to be induced on August 18, 2011 I was to be there at 1am that morning to start the process. On August 1st at 8am I went to the restroom and I "lost my mucus plug" or what I thought was my mucus plug, I called the hospital to make sure they didn’t want me to come in just in case since I live 45 minutes away, they said no you should be fine. I wasn’t feeling well but I figured it was just because I wasn't sleeping at night. At 1:30am August 2nd I woke up from a "nap" and went to the restroom and it looked like I had started my period. I was scared to death, so I called the 24 hr line at the hospital and explained what was happening and they told me to hurry and come to the hospital. We got to the hospital around 2am and they rushed me up to labor and delivery. The nurse tried to find her heartbeat with the monitor and was having trouble locating it, which wasn’t unusual remember I said she was stubborn...so she said let’s get an ultrasound up here so we can see where to put the monitor. The next few moments changed my life forever. The first ultrasound tech came in and looked then another one looked and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "Honey I am looking at the baby's chest and there is not a heartbeat I'm Sorry". I said what you mean no heart beat! Can we do a C-section and save her? She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sweetie but she is gone our priority now is you, and a C-section is too risky now you will deliver vaginally." I was crying hysterically and so was my husband. I remember saying "I'm Sorry Baby I didn't know I am so sorry" My husband hugged me and said "Baby it's not your fault and we will get thru this together, I love you." The nurse went and got my mom and his mom and dad who had been in the waiting room, and they came in the very tiny room we were in and said OMG what is wrong, I said she is gone they can't find a heartbeat. And again I said I'm Sorry I didn't know I'm sorry. They told me like my husband it’s not my fault but I didn't understand how I couldn't know my child was dead inside me! How is that possible? That was the longest night and next day of my life. I was fully closed so they said it would be a long process. They started with a pill at 10 am to thin my cervix and they said I could have anything pain meds wise since I was the priority...in other words there was no baby to endanger...and they said I could have the epidural anytime even if I wasn't dilated, I held off on the epidural but I had a headache from lack of sleep and food since I had no eaten in about 12 hours at that point, so they gave me pain meds in my iv for the headache, I laugh now because my nurse said this will make your head spin so close your eyes and enjoy the ride...she was right. Shortly after that my cervix was thinned and I was beginning my heavier contractions so I asked for my epidural. They put it in and I got some needed sleep and when I woke up everyone had went home to check on pets and to change clothes and eat then head back up, my husband asked if I was fine and I said yes, he went downstairs to smoke, by the time he came back my water had broke and the nurse was in there checking me and I had lots of pressure. I was ready to push, now with a live birth the baby helps the mommy out by wiggling down to the birth canal, with mine I had to push her down, after about 30 minutes of pushing She crowned, now my family had came back in right before I was ready to push and her Godparents had made it back too, little did I know they were right outside my door listening to what was going on in my room but didn't have a clue what was going on, she crowned and my epidural stopped! I had a special epidural with a push button when I needed more pain control I pushed the button and it added relief, they said they would change it out and it wouldn't run out...well I progressed too fast for it to be changed in time so 2 minutes after my angel crowned I had 100% feeling back, so I gave birth NATURAL! I pushed her head out and then tried for her shoulders, she came sunny side up so my pelvic bone smashed her face, her shoulders got stuck and I actually had a nurse jump on top of my bed and physically help push her out because I didn’t have the strength at that point to do it on my own, I was exhausted. We got her out at 10:30pm 12 1/2 hours after I had been induced and she was 7lbs 3ozs 19 1/2 inches long. I felt EVERY INCH! I asked the doctor if she could identify the cause and she said her cord was wrapped really tight around her neck but there was other things that confused her and I asked if I had of come in at 8am the 1st if I could have saved her and they said no sweetie she has been gone for at least 48 hours her skin is peeling. I started crying and said "what kind of MOTHER doesn’t realize her child is dead for at least two days inside her?" My Nurse looked at me and said Honey this is not your fault, you couldn't have known, you couldn't see inside your tummy to know what was going on and if the fluid was moving her around you probably felt small jabs and kicks, enough to not realize anything was wrong. I now take comfort in that but I still don’t understand it all...We decided to do an autopsy so we could make sure what happened and also to maybe find something the ultrasounds missed so we can be better aware for the next pregnancy. We are still waiting on results. On August 6, 2011 at 2pm I buried my Little Girl, without ever seeing her smile or looking into her eyes (I don't even know what color they were) or even hearing her cry. I feel very cheated for getting to go thru all the process and emotions of labor and delivery naturally no less and not getting to bring my baby home with me, she never got to meet her dogs and never got to sleep in her house, never got to visit Grandma's and Grandpa's and even Pawpaw’s, she never got to meet Her God Parents, or any of the wonderful Family she has. The worst part is instead of planning her future that day when I got up, I was planning her funeral. I probably will never understand why God chose to "steal" my little girl from me but I know "everything happens for a reason" and I have to hold on to that or I believe I will go crazy.

I went to my Health Department appointment today to change over to "NONBREASTFEEDING" like I had a choice; I was engorged with milk that went to waste that I should have been giving to her. But anyway I changed over my WIC today then I had an appointment to follow up with a doctor at the hospital I delivered in, and while I was there, I was in the waiting room waiting to be called back and a Lady walked in she looked about 8 months pregnant and had a little girl that looked to be around 10 months old at the most on her hip with two little boys trailing behind her they were about 3 and 5 years old, I broke down...why can someone like that have beautiful and healthy babies and I lost mine? How is this fair? What did I do, was I a horrible person in another life to deserve to go thru all of this pain? Do I not deserve to be Happy? Maybe I don't but this is not going to bring me down yes it hurts and probably always will but I am stubborn that's where my Angel got it...I am determined to have children that I can raise and hold and teach, I asked the doctor when was a safe time frame to try again, and to my surprise he said 3 months! I was in shock I figured a year...but me and my husband has decided between 6 months and a year we are going to start trying again, in the meantime we are getting healthy, we are going to lose weight, I am well on the way to my goal already I am already 11lbs under pre-baby weight, and he is quitting smoking and we are going to start exercising and getting healthy so me at least has a better beginning so maybe I won’t have GD and won’t have the weight worry, now I am not a first timer so I kind of have a heads up ;-).

I want to mention a few tools that helped me thru my journey... first I had a App on my phone called baby bump, it is a web community that you can post and get answers from women who are going thru the same things you are at the same time, there is due date forums by month and they are having the same tests and everything about the same time you are so it is very helpful, there is also forums for grief and loss to help you thru the emotions you are feeling and they are shoulders to cry on without having to leave home...Also in the Hospital there was a photography service that was completely volunteer and free of charge they have a photographer come in and take photos of your infant and family so that you have as many memories as possible of your angel before you leave without them, they are wonderful and very professional and caring she came in my room at around midnight that night and had about an hour or so session with my family she asked what photos I wanted and made sure she got those photos plus...I can't wait to see my photos I know they will be awesome, she even wiped some blood out of her nose before she took a photo, because she wanted my Angel to look her best in her pictures. The service is called Now I Lay Me down To Sleep you should definitely check out their site! The next service was Mamie's Poppy Plates this is a ceramic plate with your baby's footprints on it that is sent to this Angel Mommy to paint and add your baby's information and a clear coat to seal it and send back to you as a keepsake for the grieving parents, I can't wait to get mine in the mail. I know it will be beautiful just like my Angel. These services are completely free of charge for the parents, and I can't believe the great service of the Hospital UAMS They are So kind and sincere and they treat you as a person not a number, I had nurses that actually sat on the end of my bed and cried with me for no telling how long and let me cry and talk about everything and they helped me thru a lot of this by listening and making sure I never blamed myself and let me be mad when I was mad and let me just babble on and on, they were there when my Husband was smoking or down at the food court and all my family was at home resting, and I was alone in my room with just my thoughts, which at them points was a very scary and dark place. So Thank you to all my Family and Friends who have stuck by me thru all of this, all the nurses and doctors at UAMS and the rest of the staff there that is continuing the healing treatment, the ANGELS 24 hr help line that has called me every day to check on me when I know it’s not their job, and all the volunteers that helped make this journey that has just began just a little bit easier to deal with. You will never know what each one of you mean to me.