August 15, 2011

Well it has been 13 days since I gave birth. Me and Mom packed away all Lainey's things except a few items I want to put in a shadow box to display in memory of her. I am proud of myself I only cried once. I had another moment today this time I was just pissed off...Me and Mom went back to Wal-Mart to get more vaccum seal bags and as we walked in there was a chick who was either 9months or just huge...and the daddy was bringing up the rear of a train of 7 all young some looked like mutiples....neither was holding any of the kids hands as they hurried outside the doors....ok well that would have pissed me off before I had my Angel but I was outraged and spoke up this time...very strong and loud o_O.... I said THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF WHY DOES PEOPLE LIKE THEM WHO ARE CLEARLY HAVING KIDS FOR ONLY THE FREE MONEY GET TO HAVE THE "INCONVENENCE" OF CHILDREN AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO HEAR MY DAUGHTER CRY!!!!!! Mom just said it is going to be fine I promise. I know she means well and I know I probably embarrassed her but it is NOT ok and it is NOT going to be fine...I want my daughter here with me...Physically...I kniw she is always with me but I want to hold her and wake up to feed her I want to take care of her and play with her. I want to be "inconvenenced" by her. Was that seriously too much to ask? I feel empty inside, I feel like this is all a bad dream and any minute Eric is going to wake me up from it and tell me it is ok....and that I shouldn't have ate the spicy food the night before.....too bad that is never going to happen and it isn't a dream it is reality and it SUCKS ASS! I know I am ranting like a mad woman lol but I am afraid if I don't let all this emotion out it is going to eat me alive. I am trying to throw myself into different things that I need to get done like cleaning and cleaning up my facebook....but somehow I always end up alone in a room stareing at her beautiful face crying and asking God why....why me, why take kids I don't understand...I was reading statistics on stillborn births tonight and they are unreal something like (dont quote me because i am not 100% certain) 2000 babies a day in the US are born asleep everyday....I do know it is 1 in 4 women have a stillborn birth....that is unreal considering all of the technology we have here in the US.....that makes me ask why even more...but then I answer my own question when you listen to the police scanner or turn on the tv or Hell walk in Walmart....just look at the people that live in the US....All the drugs we have here ruining our lives....no one can self heal anymore everyone has to have pills on top of pills just to function for a few hours at work...the stress and drama that we face everyday is heartrenching. I truly dont understand why people can't just go about their day without making someone elses life miserable. All the he said she said is bullshit....get over yourself your not the only person in the world that is going thru something....and these "mothers" that bitch because they are tired and they havent got sleep because their baby kept them up all night piss me off because I am on a every two hour sleep schedule with no baby to cause it....I cant sleep anymore because my body feels like it should be feeding my daughter every two hours...i am still making milk although its hardly any now but its still there and i feel worthless....how do the people that choose to "terminate" their pregnancy without cause live with theirselves....I cant live with myself and I never chose this I was happy about my little girl and excited and couldn't wait to watch her grow and now I am left with nothing but a few photos of her in a casket and no telling how much money in clothes and stuff that is not being used....I dont understand how this is fair and in "God's Plan" but maybe one day I will quit being hurt, sad, pissed and confused and see why this all happened, but then again maybe I wont. If I had it to do all over agian I would do everything the same because at least I can say I gave birth to the most beautiful Angel in heaven and I did it without regret but I am still so full of sorrow and I cant help but feel empty and worthless. I know what everyone is thinking and no Im not suicidal and im not going crazy. I am grieving the only way I know how. FULL FORCE AND ALL EMOTIONS AT ONCE. No I dont need a theropist, no I dont need antidepressants. I just need to scream at anything i can to make me feel better. Although I know that it wont change anything but release is always good. I have to let go before I can move on and I have to move on to get well. And the only way I know to get well is to try to have another baby and I am doing my damnedest to make sure that is a possability and that I will start out a healthier woman than I did with Lainey and maybe just maybe I will be blessed enough to be half the parent as my parents and my inlaws have been to me. Without the support system I have I would not be doing as good as I am today... With that said my wonderful Husband should be getting off his first shift at his new job in about 40 minutes and I am hoping to get lots of love from him before curling up and sleeping the few hours I can with him like I have for the past few days (since I have finally been able to move and get half way comfy in bed healing process hurts o_O). BTW did I mention our angel has already been looking out for her Daddy....Ok story time lol We were at the funeral home making arrangements for our baby girl and Eric got a phone call. Usually he wouldnt answer but since the funeral director was on the phone trying to get a question we had answered for us he answered it and it was Lainey's GodDaddy James, he said hello Deputy Hughes and said that he was to start the new job at the Jail on the 18th....Eric was excited and told him great but I will have to call you back to get more information we are at the funeral home and that pretty much ended the conversation for right then. Now if you read my first post we had scheduled to be induced on the 18th, so that was Lainey's day. Well she "came" early and it turned into Daddy's Day :-) Eric had quit his job not knowing exactly when he was getting to start the jail because his exboss had some issues with Eric staying with me to take care of me while I was down, the pain meds i have been on I am not allowed to drive and with the stitches I couldn't get around by myself very easy so mom was working and He wanted to take care of me. Well his ex boss had a problem with that. So Eric quit. Thank Heaven for My Inlaws they have been wonderful helping with financal issues we have had in the past and this time was no different, and my Mom has been wonderful too helping with housework and running that usually I would do since I don't work. And my wonderful extended Family Niki and James have been awesome support too James has helped Eric get ALOT of the items he needed to start the new job and they have been there emotionally for me I seriously could not ask for better. And to everyone who has checked on me and cried with me and let me babble on and on about my journey so far and not slapped me for going on and on I thank you from the bottom of my heart yall are wonderful friends and are helping with my healing more than you know. And to my family and friends that have prayed everytime you have thought about me and my family Thank you because I know we need his help but right now I cant talk to him without being mad and I know he understands and that I need him the most right now but I am hurting and I just cant right now so Thank yall so much for going to him for me because I know I need him and yall are praying overtime for my family and you will never know just how much we appreciate every prayer that yall send up in behalf of us. To the people that have cried with me and let me bitch about people we know that have upset me Thank you for agreeing with me even if I am wrong. To Niki honey every trial has a lesson and this too shall pass. Stop stressing because the more you stress the less likely you are going to be on getting another wonderful child for me to babysit...who knows maybe we will be pregnant this time together and we will have a bond NOONE CAN BREAK (God help our husbands if we are preggo at the same time especially how emotional we are on normal basis and then we have to figure in our pregnancy hormones...To our husbands We apologise in advance and just remember WE LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT WE SAY o_O) Well I guess this is a long enough post for today. I Love Everyone Of the ones that reads this and thank you for taking time to try and understand my pain even if I make no sense thank you for trying.

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