Well ok so I got to meet one of the cutest baby girls ever today! Beth is adorable and with her being a rainbow baby I felt a since of hope for the future! I can not wait to get pregnant! I want a baby to hold and bring home and raise! I want it now! Santa all I want for christmas is to be pregnant and have a happy healthy baby by next christmas! I am so thankful for everyone that has been there for me thru all this and the ones that have been supportive thru all my good and bad days. I am going to have a good christmas but I know that I will have my moments. I love all of u so much!
December 15, 2011
December 8, 2011
OK so I know I said I wasn't going to post agian til after the holidays, but you know what the hell...ok to play catch up alot has happened. Thanksgiving Was Awesome and Yummy!!!! it was a great family gathering was missing a few but I know they were watching over us :-) We got our christmas tree up....it was a little bitter sweet, I love Christmas it has always been my Favorite Holiday and my daddy's too but this christmas I was suppose to be buying toys and dolls and all the stuff for Lainey but instead of changing diapers I am changing Flowers on her grave (which are gorgeous if I do say so myself and I Do!) But I got all my christmas gifts to mail ready and I have all my christmas cards made out and ready to be sent...I love Christmas! there has been a few days this past month that I have not been excited about Christmas, but at this point all I can think of is February is so close! me and eric have decided to try for a November baby since that is the BEST month ever...I mean Me , Him and His mom are november babies! The Christmas parade was tonight and I heard the sirens all the way at my house....I cant wait to take my kids to the parade and to meet santa and just enjoy every single breathe they breathe as long as I am here. I love seeing all the babies on facebook getting dressed for christmas and sitting in front of the tree.....it just makes me smile and I love it! well enjoy the photos below and Goodnight!!!
Lainey's Fall Spray
E-Or with Lainey's Plate Look At Those Big Feet!
Lainey's Butterflies
Lainey's Fall Spray
Lainey's Angel with Her New Bouquet
Lainey's Christmas Spray
Our Tree Topper We Don't need an Angel atop our Tree
We have one in Heaven (it has Lainey's Picture in the Middle)
The Shoe has Lainey's name and weight on the bottom
The angel ornament on the bottom was made by a Fellow Angel Mommy
She lives in Las Vegas and she made this by hand out of clay!
November 17,2011
Ok so last post til after the holidays. I was told today that im not ready to start trying for another baby and as much as this breaks my heart I guess I have to just roll with it and see how it plays out. But im going to say this one thing first....this is my house my life my family and unless you know everything that we are going thru behind closed doors stay out of my business I understand you are helping but its not so I appreciate it all but I just am tired of everyone in my business so im done with it. I am going to live my life and deal with the hand god gave me. And I will talk about Lainey because she was born she was just born back unto god. Have I found all my faith in him back no but I have come to the conclusion that he may be the only one who gives a care about me so as far as humans I have no faith in u at least god has a little of my faith. Happy holidays everyone and have a happy new year!
November 16, 2011
Ok do does anyone else have days where you feel like everyone is against you and your no matter how hard you try you can win...yeah that's how I feel today...it is 6:30am and I have not slept yet and do t think I will...I just feel wide awake and like I want to punch someone....on a brighter note got the draft for Lainey Jay 's headstone yesterday I mailed it back today her stone should be set before christmas im so excited! It looks awesome can't wait to see final result. Anyway I think when I get pregnant this time I am going to tell the family and no one else...nobody ever sees me so I can hide it...that way I don't have to deal with all the ppl...who knows maybe no one will know til the baby is here and several months old...lol yea right I wish....oh well I guess I can dream....well im going to change out laundry later gators!
November 11, 2011
OK Well I think I have managed to piss off several people this week...lucky me right? Oh well if I pissed them off they were not true friends then. I don't need them. Now alot more has happened this month that I need to catch my followers up on! OK so My best friends Niki and James are expecting!!!! we got the good news on Lainey's 3 month angelversary I am so excited for them they deserve it! I can not wait til I can spoil the new baby!!!! Then we got my baby girl's headstone ordered and I cant wait to get it in and see it! Then this morning I became a Great-Great-Aunt to a beautiful little girl! She is perfect! Ok i am only 27 how am i a great great??? well My Dad would have been 83 years old this year...lol enough said!
ok well I have been looking at baby names getting a head start! Me and Eric have decided that December 31st will be the last birth control pill I will take and we will start trying for a Rainbow Baby...I am so ready but at the same time i am terrified but my excitement overpowers my horror...I am ready to be an earth baby mommy I will always be a mommy just my daughter plays with Angels. I will always be paranoid because of what I have been thru but that only makes me stronger and with what my daughter has shown me that she has seen for me How can i not want to try agian and move on with my life. there is no other way but to move and and honor Lainey in anyway I can. Her siblings will know about her and talk about her and they will understand that they have the best Guardian angel ever and she is their sister and she loves them and watches over them everyday! I also want to let everyone know that I am still fine I am moving forward and I can not wait to watch my children grow!
Thank you for everyone that has supported me thru this and i appreciate everything.
ok well I have been looking at baby names getting a head start! Me and Eric have decided that December 31st will be the last birth control pill I will take and we will start trying for a Rainbow Baby...I am so ready but at the same time i am terrified but my excitement overpowers my horror...I am ready to be an earth baby mommy I will always be a mommy just my daughter plays with Angels. I will always be paranoid because of what I have been thru but that only makes me stronger and with what my daughter has shown me that she has seen for me How can i not want to try agian and move on with my life. there is no other way but to move and and honor Lainey in anyway I can. Her siblings will know about her and talk about her and they will understand that they have the best Guardian angel ever and she is their sister and she loves them and watches over them everyday! I also want to let everyone know that I am still fine I am moving forward and I can not wait to watch my children grow!
Thank you for everyone that has supported me thru this and i appreciate everything.
November 7, 2011
Ok well it has been a minute since I posted and im awake again as usual at 4am....I really do miss sleep even more do I miss rest...*sigh but anyway...so had a great dream the other night its wonderful that the nightmares stopped anyway the dream was that I was in a nursery and I was holding a little blonde haired blue eyed girl and I look up and Lainey walks into the nursery holding my Daddy's hand my dad has a huge smile on his face and Lainey walks over to me and touches the infants face and smiles and says awww my sissy, mommy I love my sissy. Mommy I hope you love her too, because me and pawpaw picked her out for you ...and I woke up. Now anyone who knows me knows that usually if I dream and remember them and then I dream the same dream three times it comes true. God I truly hope this comes true it doesn't have to be a little girl but I just want a healthy alive baby to bring home. I hope no one ever feels the hurt of burying your child at any age but I know it happens but I don't wish this heartache on my worst enemy. Everyone feels im broken...and on a way I am but what this dream has brought me is the peace I needed to move on my beautiful daughter has shown me I have good things in store for my life and must move forward no matter how much it hurts. I understand it has only been three months and lord knows it has felt like an eternity ago but at the same time it seems like just yesterday but I feel with the support I have I am doing better than most in my "situation" im not suicidal im not depressed im happy I'm just not complete and yes I will always have a hole in my heart where my daughter should be I should be watching her grow but im not here on earth but my dreams are allowing me to see what she will be when I see her again because when she came to me she looked like a beautiful one year old and that brings peace in knowing that daddy has a beautiful granddaughter to keep him on his toes! I know that people in my "situation" has to have therapy and can not move on but for me moving on is not forgetting because I could never forget her beautiful face but it is looking at the future that my daughter sees for me and that is peace enough for me to get thru this because as much as this hurts anything I could do here on this earth can not and will not bring her back so to honor her I must hold my head up and move on with life and enjoy what I have and not dwell on what's no longer here. So for everyone worried about me thank you but im fine and I know this will be hard for some to understand but im not the same as I was im a different person but after everything I knew I would never be the same. Now with that said I do not need any extra "drama" in my life so I apologize ahead of time if you see me in the store and I do not even acknowledge your existence im sorry but I have decided that you would do more harm than good and I do not need you or your pity parties so please do not take this personal but if you are not a solution to my "problems" then you are the cause and if that is the case then I am sorry but you will have to find another person to complain to! Some "friends" are better left on facebook and that's where they are the best because in person y'all suck. Sorry to be so brutal but sometimes the truth hurts. So for the people out there that it is all about you and what you have and you have to be center of attention or you will throw a hissy fit then you can go on because from now on you will not get sympathy from me and I hate that im like this now but my walls are up and I don't see them falling anytime soon. Shallowness is not an excuse no more than stupidity is so thank you for understanding that im done with having adults that act like two year olds around me. If you need someone to pet you and stroke your egos then I suggest someone besides me because all I will tell you is to suck it up at least you are breathing and you woke up this morning so sorry I don't have time for games. Thank you and have great miserable lives because one day you will wake up and realize no one likes you and you are all alone without any friends and im so sorry but if you think I need therapy ha when you get to that point it will be too late for you and then what will you do...as for me I am going to live my life surrounded by only the ones that truly love and care about me and are not fake. Because I don't need quantity I am looking for quality. Thank you for teaching me who I can count on and trust because when you are so close to the bottom and ready to give up you find out who you can trust and who is truly there for you and not to just make themselves look good. From this moment on I am holding my head up and looking forward hope to see you in my future because my friends list is very short.
Ok now that I have ranted im am going to say thank you to my special and wonderful "family" that no matter what has been there and never let me fall all the way down we have had rough spots but we have always got thru together I love y'all so very much and thank you! Time for a fresh start and there is nothing but up from here.
*To my Wonderful Husband Eric, Baby I love you and can't imagine where I would be without you. You are my rock and have kept me together thru all of this and for that I could never say thank you enough. I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together and having more beautiful children and watching them grow to be wonderful adults and starting families of their own. I am so glad I have you baby you are my everything!
October 31, 2011
Well last night was the first full night sleep and rest i have got in about a month. it was great. I guess I really was bottled up and needed a meltdown to get rid of the nightmares...I went to sleep at 8pm woke up at 4:30am went back to sleep at 7am woke back up at 2pm...i guess i was catching up... and now i am going to bed here soon...Today I did exactly as i knew i was going to i turned all the lights out and hid in my room with my tv on...Lainey was going to be eeyore for her first Halloween but instead she was an angel :-) and I jknow she was the most beautiful angel I know...but i still would have loved to see her as eeyore...i had the costume picked out and everything I just miss everything Im gonna miss if that makes sense. I guess im gonna feel this way for a while...Christmas is gonna be the hardest because it is my favorite holiday...God help me make it thru.if you can help me...I truely miss normal if there every was a such of a thing as normal....geeze this sucks!
October 30, 2011
Well had a HUGE breakdown last night....sorry Eric you experienced the blunt of my lash out. But as always took it for what it was and helped me work thru it....I have decided that I am going to separate myself from the drama and bs of facebook for a while I just want to have real friends and concentrate on me and my family right now and try getting my head in the right spot because I have realized after last nights outburst that my head is not in the right spot its not even in the right ballpark so I feel the only way to do that is to distance myself from facebook and drama filled friends so if I walk by you and do not speak or even acknowledge your existence im sorry you are filled with to much drama for me to deal with! And you are the persons I am talking about at this point. New friends yes plz new atmosphere yes plz new life yes plz and clearer vision why yes I believe so. The internet is an awesome tool but I just can't believe how much it hurts also. Now I said I am distancing myself from facebook but this doesn't mean I will not get on there but it will possibly be once a week to check on an event im attending other than that I wont be on....I need to disconnect from everything and it starts right now. I will be doing this blog still and I will email so if you do not have my email im sorry comment below if you even care or even read this....sometimes I feel im the only one that actually reads this and gives a shit. But anyway....im getting back to me and if you are a part of the problem then you are being removed from my life without hesitation thank you and have a great life :-)
October 19, 2011
Ok so I have felt horrible for the past week and with meds and being sick I have slept ALOT lol so today since I have actually felt better it got me thinking again as usual. And all my feelings came flooding in as I was watching I didn't know I was pregnant (yea yea I know I pretty much did it to myself) and I really feel empty and alone I know im not alone but I feel that way. I feel useless and confused...why...then I think I want to try again and I want to do it now I don't want to wait six months....im tired of the empty feeling I want to be pregnant again it is the best feeling and I then told myself when I get pregnant again I will not complain because if I knew then what I know now I would have enjoyed and documented and just took in every step of Lainey's journey so in honor of my little girl I will do all the above things and more with the next pregnancy. I promise Lainey I will make sure I feel EVERY MOVEMENT your baby sibling does and I will be aware of EVERY SINGLE detail of them and I promise that their name will be original and will not connect them to anyone because no one gets to lay claim to this next baby. I also promise that I will tell the new baby everyday how much they are loved by their big sister in heaven and that they have the best guardian angel in her. I also want EVERYONE to understand I am a mommy just my baby was so awesome that God wanted to keep her. I am a Mommy to an angel and I am very proud of that. I also want everyone to know that when I have another baby I don't have just one child I have two just one is in heaven and I will never forget her and will always include her in all family stuff. Geeze im a mess I really am a big mess and I feel broken......
October 12, 2011
Well let's see I made it thru Daddy's Angelversary on the tenth. 13 years....wow still feels like yesterday....I have had a bad week with a stomache bug and womanly problems and as always wal-mart visits seeing all the crackheads that have babies they don't deserve. But on a happy note I have got a total of $700 in groceries and household items for around $400 :-) coupons I love it!!!! My goal is to do a trip like that was on the show last night $900 for $4.65 yes sir that's the plan!!!! Ok guys here is the deal. I know im jumping around on subjects but anyway...Saturday is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day so at 7pm PLEASE remember to show your support and light a candle in remembrance of all babies gone too soon like my Lainey Jay. October is not only breast cancer awareness month but it is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and I would love it if EVERYONE was as aware about that as they are breast cancer awareness both are equally as important as the other but I guess baby loss is taboo..... so tell everyone you know to not only wear your pink for breast cancer awareness this month but wear baby pink and baby blue for our beautiful angel babies that are so very missed! I Love You Lainey Jay Hughes!
Mommy is hopefully going with aunt biking and getting at least a price on ur tattoo baby girl (see photo below) oh yeah its gonna hurt but I want it where I can see it and the foot is a perfect spot! Anyway im heading to bed talk later :-)
October 6, 2011
Had an awesome time today. Went to Little Rock to Met-T's with Bubba James and Sis Niki to order Eric's Uniforms for work and then went to Denny's for lunch BEST PATTY MELT EVER then to an army surplus store got me some paracord gonna try my hand at making me and Niki a bracelet (Thin Blue Line for Our Husbands and in Memory of Lucas and Big Jake) hopefully I get the hang of it pretty quick and may start selling them to make extra money since I am constantly reminded I am not working. Also thinking about making support and awareness ribbons to sell. I hope to make some samples and start seeing what people's responses are to the items on facebook and here maybe even try ebay or etsy who knows maybe I can make some money with it. Anyway back to my great day, after the army surplus store we went to the Tallent's then went and picked up all those WONDERFUL AND ROWDY BOYS <3 them so so so much. Met back up at their house then went to Brown's to eat....so yummy! We rented a movie and went back to the Tallent's house and the boys went to sleep and the adults watched a movie on the couches. Great end to a great family day. We came home and they went to bed. Long day for sis who had worked the night before with no sleep today but she is a trooper :-) Anyway Eric is asleep and so are my four legged kids but as usual im awake...wide awake :-( why is it I am so sleepy til I get in bed...I don't get it. But back is hurting so had to take some meds so maybe I'll be getting some shut eye here soon. Love you guys. Oh and please remember to show your support and light a candle in remembrance of all babies gone too soon at 7pm all time zones October 15th. Let's light the world and show a Angel Mommy that you care. 0:-) Goodnight All!!!
THIS CANDLE WILL BURN ALWAYS FOR OUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER LAINEY JAY HUGHES! MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE YOU ANGEL!!! FOREVER AND ALWAYS!
October 5, 2011
Well today was an OK day. I only had a couple of emotional moments. I love my walks with my mother-in-law. Unfortunately we have something in common we both know the pain of loosing children. she has buried two sons, which are buried by my daughter, i visit them all very often. I enjoy our walks because I believe they are making us closer. The loss of my daughter brought us closer on a whole different level, it is so nice to have another mother of an angel that is so close and don't mind talking with me and bawling our eyes out together while walking our asses off lol. We have decided that we want exercising to take the place of something, she said when she quits smoking that exercising is what will take the place of cigarettes, and I'm trowing myself into exercising to keep down my emotional breakdowns. I have to do something, coupons aren't working as well as they had been at the start of it... I want a baby that I can hold so bad, but at the same time I am so scared. For everybody that sees me I am a strong person but the truth is nobody knows how bad i am dying on the inside. the what ifs are killing me. Most days I can put on a smile and go on with my day, but some days i feel it is impossible for me to be OK, but no matter how bad the day is I have always managed to get on with my day, but some are definitely harder than others. I finally got her pictures from the hospital printed and out into an album, I even have some hanging in the living room, but I feel horrible because now I am afraid if someone comes over it will make them uncomfortable, and that's the last thing i want to do, but pictures is all i have. I feel obsessed with wanting something to hold on to...i hate this! I still don't know why me? why my daughter? why my mother in laws sons...I NEED ANSWERS that no one can give me and it is so aggravating! OK so maybe today wasn't as OK as I let it on to be....OK so other mommies of angels have said that it hurts to see other mommies with babies...it don't upset me, it just makes me yearn for a baby that much more...i loved holding Chloe Hughes it felt amazing holding a little girl, but it made me want a child of my own so bad, i hated to put her back in the stroller...OH Yeah and all the ladies that was pregnant with me and are having or about to have their babies are "paranoid" that what "happened" to me will happen to them, like my "condition" is contagious...HONEY LET ME TELL YOU I DON'T WISH THIS "CONDITION" ON MY WORST ENEMY OR EVEN THE MOST DRUGGED OUT CRACKHEAD ON EARTH, NO ONE DESERVES TO FEEL THIS PAIN! And by the way I don't have a disease, I'm not contagious, you can't catch this, but if you want to help me all you have to do is take care of yourself, don't be a bitch and think that it is just about you anymore because once you got pregnant it became about the baby, you have a choice they don't so don't be an idiot and be stupid, and believe that this could and won't ever happen to you, because I am here to tell you it CAN! As of August 2, 2011 my life WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, Yes I am a MOMMY, no my child is not with me, Not because I am a bad Mommy or that I didn't want my child, God decided that He wanted her back before this world got to corrupt her and tarnish her. Do I miss her, HELL YES! Do I envy her, HELL YES! Did I deserve this, HELL NO! If someone was to say what is the best day of your life I would say the day my Angel was Bron...if someone was to say what was the worst day of your life I would say the day my Angel was Born Sleeping...It's not a Joke it is a true thing and it hurts like hell and I hate it. OK here is another RANT...October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I support this Cause 100% but Most people don't know October is ALSO Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month...You see Pink Ribbons EVERYWHERE! You DO NOT SEE PINK AND BLUE RIBBONS!...if you do see pink and blue it is a family member that has been through this "condition". My new goal is to Make AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE AWARE before the end of October...I want to see just as many pink and blue ribbons on people as I do pink ribbons. Help me by supporting Grieving Mothers everywhere, and tell someone else! I think I am going to start selling awareness ribbons, if anyone is interested...they wont be much maybe satin pink and blue ribbons together with a butterfly maybe...I really want to do something in honor of my Angel and My Brother in law that I never met. What do you guys think...well guys enough for tonight I guess it is time for bed. I get to go with my Hubby tomorrow to order his uniforms and look around in Little Rock at Cruz. I am excited to get to spend some quality time with my honey! Goodnight!
October 2, 2011
Happy 2 month Angelversary Baby Girl we love you! I can't believe that it has been two months. In a way it seems like just yesterday I held you in my arms and said goodbye and at the same time it feels like forever ago I said goodbye. I miss you oh so very much. I know Daddy and the grandparents do too. I found the cutest retire halloween costume and thought any that's what Lainey can be for halloween and then realization slapped me straight in the face again.....I hate when I let it do me that way!
Well Lainey Jay me and daddy have spent the last two days with ur grandpa...lol I have had a blast figuring out his free computer and showing him how to use his phone I love doing that kind of stuff....I finally got ink so I printed out all your pictures to put in your albums and baby books. I just can't believe it has been two months! Oh yea baby girl tell uncle Lucas happy birthday and give him a huge hug for me it is his birthday in a few days. Oh and baby girl tell papaw that I said BJ is with y'all now so make sure he finds him and helps him out ok sweetie!?! Well Baby Girl just wanted you to know I love you and to tell you happy 2 month Angelversary Mommy Loves You and Miss You Oh So Much!!!!! Goodnight baby girl!!!
Oh and here are some pictures one is a picture a fellow angel mommy made for me and the other is your angel garden in the spring there will be your birth flower in there :-)
September 30, 2011
Well Lainey's 2 month angelversary is coming up in a few short days. It seems like an eternity ago but at the same time it seems like yesterday I was pregnant. I have an angel mommy friend who our babies were very close like a few days apart. She is younger than me and is not dealing so well but people are cruel. She thinks no one wants to be around her because she is the girl who's child died. As true as this is at the same rime here is my opinion on mothers that have buried children. We are special breed of mother for we gave birth to angels. God chose us to carry his most valuable possessions his angels. He knew that he would have to choose the strongest and bravest women for this task, just as he chose Mary to give birth to Jesus. How special are we to be able to say this "I gave birth to a special Angel for God he/she was so special they never had to suffer this cruel world we face and they got to go to be with him so like we took care of them in our womb and some mommies for a short while they are going to help prepare a place for us when we get to see them again." I know I am not the most religious person alive and that I am a sinner but God loved me enough to make me an Angel Mommy of one of the most beautiful angel I have ever known my little girl Lainey Jay. I can't wait to see her playing and running with them big ol daddy feet in wonderful fields with all her family. I know this is a good day right? This doesn't mean I will be ok with this but I have to find a brighter way if looking at this or its gonna eat me alive. Today is an "easy" day now tomorrow is sure to be a new day with just as many surprises hopefully it will be good and smooth too but who knows. NEVER COUNT ON TOMORROW LIVE FOR TODAY AND LIVE EACH DAY AS YOUR LAST SO YOU WILL NEVER HAVE REGRETS ONLY MEMORIES THAT ENDED WITH A BANG! Love everyone of you guys and I would not be doing as well as I am without the special and wonderful people I have in my life. So for that I thank every single one of you. Muah and goodnight all!
September 23, 2011
Well lets see...no major breakdowns in the last couple of days so maybe im getting "better" been having great family time with my momma and mom in law while walking. I am loving my walking i have been trying to go everyday. We even got rained on the other day :-( only got to make one lap. Today my boys and sis niki joined me and mom...i love walking with the boys we even ran a small lap :-) SO NOT READY FOR THAT it about killed me...lol. I got my pictures from the hospital in. Lainey is so pretty they are gorgeous. I absolutly love Crystal Goss she is a great photographer. If she can take great photos in hospital lighting and under the situation like mine she is good! She is definately an A+. My pictures are awesome i love them.
Me and Eric was talking last night and we are thinking of six months trying agian we think we should try and keep the family tradition of November Babies ;-) (inside joke) Hopefully my sis niki and me will be preggo at the same time....that would be awesome :-)
Mom and Pawpaw are getting Laineys Headstone ordered this week I cant wait til its set Mom bought me the cutest angel to set on it and the cutest pink daisies to put in the angels pot. I love it<3 they are going to look so good. I am so very thankful for my family i truely dont know what i would do without them. They are defitnately my soild foundation that holds me up and together....even if i am harst and unkind they still love me.
Mom took me and got our hair cut the other day (mine is like tara from sons of anarchy season 4 photo below) i love it! I have bangs i havent had bangs since high school! Today has been a good day i havent broke down and i have barely cried. So i know everyone says it gets easier with time and i know it does because its been almost 13 yrs since Daddy died in fact 10-10-11 is going to be a bad day....but it is easier to function day by day....and with Lainey it is a whole different pain it actually feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest on somedays, but i make myself get up and face the day i know she would want it that way.
Well Eric got taser certified the other day he was so excited! I cant wait to see the video i bet its hilarious! And apparently he is not crazy enough to draw a check but crazy enough to work at the jail cuz he had a psych test yesterday and passed. I love that man so much i just hope he knows how much and how much i need him and love every minute im with him. He is my rock that never fails me. <3 anyway i guess im headed to bed for the night i get the boys back tomorrow night so i gotta walk before they get to that house around 5 or 6 but i cant wait ive missed them :-) goodnight all. Talk soon <3
Me and Eric was talking last night and we are thinking of six months trying agian we think we should try and keep the family tradition of November Babies ;-) (inside joke) Hopefully my sis niki and me will be preggo at the same time....that would be awesome :-)
Mom and Pawpaw are getting Laineys Headstone ordered this week I cant wait til its set Mom bought me the cutest angel to set on it and the cutest pink daisies to put in the angels pot. I love it<3 they are going to look so good. I am so very thankful for my family i truely dont know what i would do without them. They are defitnately my soild foundation that holds me up and together....even if i am harst and unkind they still love me.
Mom took me and got our hair cut the other day (mine is like tara from sons of anarchy season 4 photo below) i love it! I have bangs i havent had bangs since high school! Today has been a good day i havent broke down and i have barely cried. So i know everyone says it gets easier with time and i know it does because its been almost 13 yrs since Daddy died in fact 10-10-11 is going to be a bad day....but it is easier to function day by day....and with Lainey it is a whole different pain it actually feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest on somedays, but i make myself get up and face the day i know she would want it that way.
Well Eric got taser certified the other day he was so excited! I cant wait to see the video i bet its hilarious! And apparently he is not crazy enough to draw a check but crazy enough to work at the jail cuz he had a psych test yesterday and passed. I love that man so much i just hope he knows how much and how much i need him and love every minute im with him. He is my rock that never fails me. <3 anyway i guess im headed to bed for the night i get the boys back tomorrow night so i gotta walk before they get to that house around 5 or 6 but i cant wait ive missed them :-) goodnight all. Talk soon <3
September 19, 2011
OK well me and mom decided to spring clean we took everything out of the cabinets in the kitchen and rewashed and rearranged everything. I have found as long as I stay busy it dont hurt as bad but its hard to stay busy 24 hrs a day... I have found that eventually you run out of things to do and energy to do them. I have a lot of confusing thoughts right now. There are days it all feels like a dream, today well tonight is one of them moments I wish I would just wake up from this nightmare already! Sometimes I feel like i am a bother to everyone I love. I am broken! I began birth control Sunday and it hurt, it made my heart ache. Why me? I just dont understand, I know that she would want me to move on but i dont want to, mainly because I am afraid i will forget, i want to be miserable because at least i feel like the memory is there but everyone wants me to just move on and "get better" but I cant. I feel like a failure and I like it that way. I know i shouldnt feel that way but punishing myself makes me feel better. I want her back its not fair! You are not suppose to bury children. she didnt even get a chance to experence anything. I had so many plans and trips and stuff i wanted to show her and do with her... the zoo, the park, the ocean...now nothing...somedays I want to give up but im too strong willed to let myself and it sucks. I want to be the kind of person that just stays in my pjs and eats ice cream and watches old movies in the dark by myself all day but i wont let myself no matter what i want. I have actually found myself going a whole day without thinking about her and when I realize it i feel like a horrible person, mother. Just like i havent figured out how i didnt know she was dead for over two days inside me what kind of mother does that. yea you could say tonight is a bad night, and im up alone with just my thoughts and my dogs who by the way are asleep...i just dont know maybe i really am broken merchandise...maybe eric and momma needs to find my reciept and trade me in for another me that is not defective.
I saw this poem on one of my facebook groups and thought it fit!
I saw this poem on one of my facebook groups and thought it fit!
September 18, 2011
Well Me and my Hubby had a date night last night...We went to the mall and bought us some shoes lol then went to eat at Arby's yummy love me some Arby's :-) then went to the Crash Derby at Garland Co. Fair! It was awesome...I had never been before and so we went and I had a blast, It was so much fun watching the cars slam into each other. I told Eric I wanted to help "fix" the cars they were taking sledge hammers to them and jumping on them, stress relief I think so! We left there shortly before Midnight and decided to see if James and Dad was at 911 and of course they wasnt but my sis Niki was leaveing so I called and she worked swing last night so she was meeting James and Dad at Waffle House so away we went :-) Got there and it was packed so we went to JJ's and waited an hour for our food...funny how things work, when we got done eating we were all outside talking and James got a wreck call, so away they went and Eric and me decided to follow to see if he could help. we got there and the truck went off the road (driver fell asleep) and was upside down under a bridge! The Driver was fine he was actually walking around at the scene. We waited for the wrecker and goofed off at the scene while the wrecker rednecked the truck onto the road to put it on the roll back and let me tell ya small old bridge and HEAVY wrecker with truck hanging by chains over the side of the bridge is a little scarey :-/ but all in all I had a great date night with the hubby last night and we got in around 4am this morning. Can't wait for our next Date Night, to see what we can get into.
Oh before the date night started I went walking and took e-or, we went and visited Lainey. E-or loved it.
Oh before the date night started I went walking and took e-or, we went and visited Lainey. E-or loved it.
9/17/2011
E-or @ Lainey's Grave
September 16, 2011
Well today started out horrible, I had went to bed last night with a horrible migraine and woke up with the same one. Thankfully it went away. I am excited because Eric is off tomorrow and we are having a date night and we are going to the derby tomorrow I cant wait. I love our date nights we dont get them very often. So they are great when we get to have them.
We got the paperwork in the mail today to order Lainey's headstone. it is going to be so pretty it has an angel and rose and it has her name and Infant Daughter of Eric and Amanda and it has Born Sleeping August 2, 2011 and has Our Precious Angel on it. Its gonna cost $364.00 which was alot less then I expected. I cant wait to see it in person!
Mom ordered my Angel necklace that has her birthstone in it, it should be in by the first and I'll take a picture and upload it so yall can see, I cant wait to see it, and wear it. It matches my Mother's Ring she got me too.
I have not heard from NILMDTS or Mamie's Poppy Plates and I wish I would because I am ready to see them. My pictures and my Memorial Plate with her footprints on it.
I made Lainey's Shadow Box the other day, it is hanging in our room but will go in the living room once it gets painted. It is so pretty I love it. It has her outfit and blanket from the hospital in it and a lock of her hair and her Lainey onesie that Catherine got her and her Hair bows that Andi and Nicole got her and her Harley outfit that PawPaw bought her. and on top is a photo frame with several photos in it and her rubber ducky from her baby shower cake and her eeyore i bought her. Also it has one of every flower from her grave in it, and her Obituary from the funeral home. it turned out so good. I will upload photos later of it.
Well I guess I am fixen to head to bed so I can be rested for my date night tomorrow. Goodnight all.
We got the paperwork in the mail today to order Lainey's headstone. it is going to be so pretty it has an angel and rose and it has her name and Infant Daughter of Eric and Amanda and it has Born Sleeping August 2, 2011 and has Our Precious Angel on it. Its gonna cost $364.00 which was alot less then I expected. I cant wait to see it in person!
Mom ordered my Angel necklace that has her birthstone in it, it should be in by the first and I'll take a picture and upload it so yall can see, I cant wait to see it, and wear it. It matches my Mother's Ring she got me too.
I have not heard from NILMDTS or Mamie's Poppy Plates and I wish I would because I am ready to see them. My pictures and my Memorial Plate with her footprints on it.
I made Lainey's Shadow Box the other day, it is hanging in our room but will go in the living room once it gets painted. It is so pretty I love it. It has her outfit and blanket from the hospital in it and a lock of her hair and her Lainey onesie that Catherine got her and her Hair bows that Andi and Nicole got her and her Harley outfit that PawPaw bought her. and on top is a photo frame with several photos in it and her rubber ducky from her baby shower cake and her eeyore i bought her. Also it has one of every flower from her grave in it, and her Obituary from the funeral home. it turned out so good. I will upload photos later of it.
Well I guess I am fixen to head to bed so I can be rested for my date night tomorrow. Goodnight all.
September 14, 2011
Have you ever had just one of those days...yeah well today was mine...i just felt alone and depressed...i can honestly say that today was the first day that I have actually felt just absolutely depressed. I have wanted to cry all day and going to visit her didnt help today like it usually does it actually made it worse... I honestly just didnt want to get out of bed and do anything but i literally made myself. But i still just feel horrible. I just got off the phone with my hubby and i was bawling and he was there to catch me as usual....i always seem to pick the worse days to have my breakdowns. He woke up in a bad mood and it went down from there and then i have a breakdown. I am so glad he is so strong because there is no way i could get thru any of this without him. I am miserable with myself at times. Im glad i have all my family because this would be ten times worse without them. Hopefully tomorrow will be better maybe.
September 8, 2011
Well i went in for my six week check up today and got the results of the autopsy...long story short they still dont know cause but they do know that it was not a cord accident that happened after death. They took blood today to see if i have any antibodies of infections that could have caused this but he said that they did note that the placenta was smaller than they thought it should have been. So in a nutshell they dont have a clue.... So still no answers but he said on the blood work no news is good news. So the blood work should at least give us something to go by for my next pregnancy. I am going to be put in high risk category next pregnancy so they can keep a watch on me. I love you guys for everything...
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September 6, 2011
Well today put the icing on the cake for the end of the weekend. I woke up this morning around 3am and found that my freezer that was full of food died so we had to buy another one today great right?!? I took a small nap with my hubby today (who had been awake for almost 48 hours straight) and then i woke up and realized that today was Laineys one month since i buried her and low and behold on came the panic attack. I have not been to her grave in over a week because i didnt get to go before we left for our trip so i think that is not helping the attacks any so maybe when i go see her i will feel better. I am going thursday for my six week check up and it is surreal i should have a child to take with me to the check up and have to pack a diaper bag and i dont have to do any of that and its depressing. I miss her so much i just cant explain the pain and heartbreak i feel. I want to be a mommy so bad i ache. I thought when the doctor said i could get pregnant in three months that was soon but now i dont think its going fast enough. Its only been a month and me and eric wants to wait longer and im not sure if ill make it. I cant wait to be a mommy. But at the same time i am scared to death not only that i might have to bury another baby but that i wont be a good mommy. Im just scared but i want a baby to bring home so bad. I almost lost it when my husband said adoption not because of money but because i would feel like such a failure if i couldnt give him a baby of our own. Ok so enough of the saddness for today no matter how bad i feel right now...time for more tv and then wait for hubby to get home for cuddle time and hopefully sleep and some exerciseing because im gaining some weight back....it is mostly water i cant seem to get rid of but maybe i can get it off soon and get back on track on my loosing and get to my goal weight! Well thats all for now.
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September 5, 2011!
Well vacation went great! I had a blast even though it rained all weekend we went right into tropical storm Lee lol and while we were here the truck broke down twice! We had a five gallon bucket of WATER in our gas tank and now because of that the guys had to fix two injectors. We tried to leave around 8am and had to come right back....but other than that we had a blast i enjoyed getting outta arkansas and visiting family and getting away for the weekend. Thank you to my wonderful inlaws for the vacation! I needed it so much. And i am proud of myself i only had one meltdown it was a big one, including a panic attack but it didnt last long only about 30 minutes but i dont know what triggered it...even my husband was confused. But all and all i had a blast and enjoyed our vacation. But im definately ready to be back home and see my mom and friends and my four legged babies :-) but right now we are sitting here waiting for the truck to be fixed then we will try getting home agian.....wish us luck lol. Ill update when we finally get home :-).
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We finally got home at 5:35 just in time for my hubby to head to work for a 12 hr. Shift. I had a great time this weekend and cant wait to do it agian....maybe without so many problems next time. It was hilarious to see my dogs reactions when i got home it took a good 30 minutes to calm them down! I missed them as much as they missed me lol. All in all great trip and i had a blast, but as with any trip its great to be home and laying in my own bed with my two boys ;-) Its days like today that I Love My Life <3
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September 2, 2011
Well Happy One Month Angelversary Baby Girl I Love You! Yesterday my wonderful inlaws and my husband decided a road trip was in order man am I glad they did...we are heading out at 2:30pm today Louisiana bound....I cant wait we are going to visit some of my momma in laws family and i love that I get to spend family time with my wonderful husband and his family. I am going to go visit my Angel before we leave and give her angel kisses for her angelversary and show her my mothers ring my mom bought me she wanted to give it to me since it came in and she thought the day before her one month would be perfect so i could wear it today. I love my mom so much she is the best mom a girl could ever dream of and i absolutly love love love my ring. Lainey would have been a month old today. As all these other mommy's babies are learning to crawl and walk mine is learning to fly and ride harleys...lol Tomorrow is the memorial mud ride for my dear friend Lucas who was tragically killed on his Motorcycle a little over a year ago and as much as i wanted to go i wasnt sure i could handle it....but i know uncle Lucas is taking my Angel for rides on his harley with another friend Big Jake who lost his battle with cancer. God I pray for a thunderstom today before we go that way i know Lainey is getting a ride for her angelversary....I know uncle Jay and Kyle are playing with her and they are having a great time and she is probably telling all them boys who is boss thats my princess. And PawPaw is giving her hugs and kisses and trying to bribe her into doing something he wants he was always good at that and her grandmas are telling stories about all of us down here and we will never hear the end of it when we see her agian. Dear Lord help me make it thru today without a major breakdown i dont want to ruin the trip Eric needs this more than i do and i need it really bad. I havent seen him this excited since we were pregnant. I am so glad i get to get away from malvern for a while its going to be refreshing to get outta arkansas away from all the bs here. Now if i could just get some sleep tonight that would be awsome. I just want to send my Angel hugs and kisses on her One month Angelversary I Love You Lainey Jay Hughes and always will.
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August 26, 2011
Well I went and saw my angel today her flowers are still pretty but too many more storms and they wont be. Today wasnt as hard as yesterday. Yesterday all i wanted todo was cry even at cicis there were two little blonde haired twin girls they were adorable and i just wanted to cry....the hardest thing today was my trip to Walmart...its always hard in there i hate going in that place....im glad i dont work there anymore im not sure i could handle it anymore. Lately i have been very bitter and snappy and for all my family that has caught the blunt im sorry. Im hoping it will get better soon. I have found that im enjoying life now a little bit better but i still have moments....but honestly i think i will always have moments. Mom said i amaze her...lol when people that dont know ask about the baby and all that i never change my facial expression and just say oh i had her on the 2nd she was stillborn. Their faces change but mine dont. She said i have never seen you that way ever...well why cry why make someone feel sorry for me...hell that wont bring her back so why go thru the misery that causes just tell people what happened and go on. No big deal. Mom still says it amazes her how i can do that. The ones that make me change emotions are the slutty pregnant bitches and the ones that have three dozen kids and are not taking care of them. Like today in walmart this chick was huge preggo and was wearing short shorts with her ass hanging out and a spaghetti strap that bearly covered her belly....really! PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON THATS WHY U KNOCKED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE GEEEEZE!!!! I cant help it i want to scream at the top of my lungs! And i promise one day i believe i am going to jail for beating a stupid bitch in walmart. Hopefully my husband and adopted brother can get me commited instead a padded room vaca i think thats a great idea....LMAO....i had a great time tonight at my adopted familys house got alot accomplished even though sis says im a slave driver lol plus i got alot accomplished yesterday at my house....i think im still nesting lol. I honestly dont know what im gonna do when everything is clean. I need a hobby but hobbies cost $$$ and we are running short on that til payday.... I really miss my hubby at night but im glad he is at the job he is at now he loves it and there is room for advancement. Well i have had a great day so im headed to bed for some zzzzzz....post more soon cant wait to see what tomorrow holds....i have learned to live like there is no tomorrow because one day there wont be. Goodnight everyone love yall. Goodnight Angel Mommy Loves You and misses you terribly give pawpaw a hug from me cant wait to see you agian.
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August 25, 2011
Well it is offically my due date. Ahhh my angel i miss you so much i cant believe it has been 23 days since you got your wings and got to meet your Pawpaw and grandmas and uncles. I wish you were here with us so i could watch you grow but i know that in gods eyes you were just too beautiful for this earth and he was so excited to see how great and wonderful you were that he just couldnt let you go so he gave you wings before i got to meet you. I know one day ill see you again but right now im being selfish and i dont like to share i want you here with me. I know your happy and playing with everyone up there but that really isnt helping me right now i wish i had you here. I Love You Baby Girl. I visit you often baby i have been to your grave at least once a week since you have been there. I cant wait to get your headstone there so i can start adding more flowers. I promise i will always have flowers there and they will be beautiful always if they fade i will put fresh ones there you will never have ugly flowers angel. Also i am going to get you an angel that i can paint and put on your grave and i am going to make you a shadow box with all your stuff in it so i can see a part of you everyday. Oh and your Granny is going to make your big rabbit blanket into a hierloom and put all of our names on it and im going to hang it on the wall. Also i am so far keeping your plants alive and i hope i can until we get a new house cuz then im going to plant them in a garden im going to make for you baby. I love you baby girl and i will always love you and watch over Daddy and Uncle James while they are out fighting bad guys, keep them safe and protect them for me. Lainey Jay we love you and i know you are our own little angel. Love You Always, Mommy.
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Well Lainey Jay today has been difficult I have cried a lot, I am sorry I am trying to be strong, but its just not working. I am so glad I have your Daddy to help me thru because I honestly think if I didn't I couldnt get outta bed everyday. I miss you Baby Girl more than you will ever know. Today I was pleasantly surprised by your Uncle James and Aunt Niki and Your Brothers, they showed up at the house and woke Daddy up so we could go eat at CiCi's I had fun we went to the Mall afterwards, its funny I find myself still picking out clothes for you...I have so much stuff that you never got to see or use, I know your wearing the most beautiful pink robe and wings up there with your PawPaw, Jay, Kyle, Lucas and grandparents, but that still dont mean that I wish you could have seen all the wonderful stuff everyone picked out for you here. Baby Girl everyone is saying this will get easier but I just cant see how, I miss you more each day that passes. Granny said something that scared me today, she said she figures I will be pregnant agian by Christmas.....as much as I want to give you a Baby Brother or Sister I dont know if I can handle it...I honestly dont know if I am strong enough to go thru this agian ever, what if they leave me too. I am scared outta my mind that I will screw up agian, like I did with you, I know God had bigger plans for you and that you were just too beautiful for this earth but I still cant convince myself I didnt do anything wrong. I am so sorry Baby Girl I failed you I should have known something wasnt right...I promise this because this is the only thing I can give you is my promise, I promise that I will do everything in my power to make sure that your brother or sister will not end like you, and that when they are born and as they grow I will make sure that they know the wonderful Angel they have watching over them and that she was such a great sister already that God just couldnt give you up, so he kept the best Angel for them and that Angel is their Sister. Lainey Jay Hughes you are my world and I will love you more everyday until I see you agian. Fly Safe Baby Girl I Love You.
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Well Lainey Jay today has been difficult I have cried a lot, I am sorry I am trying to be strong, but its just not working. I am so glad I have your Daddy to help me thru because I honestly think if I didn't I couldnt get outta bed everyday. I miss you Baby Girl more than you will ever know. Today I was pleasantly surprised by your Uncle James and Aunt Niki and Your Brothers, they showed up at the house and woke Daddy up so we could go eat at CiCi's I had fun we went to the Mall afterwards, its funny I find myself still picking out clothes for you...I have so much stuff that you never got to see or use, I know your wearing the most beautiful pink robe and wings up there with your PawPaw, Jay, Kyle, Lucas and grandparents, but that still dont mean that I wish you could have seen all the wonderful stuff everyone picked out for you here. Baby Girl everyone is saying this will get easier but I just cant see how, I miss you more each day that passes. Granny said something that scared me today, she said she figures I will be pregnant agian by Christmas.....as much as I want to give you a Baby Brother or Sister I dont know if I can handle it...I honestly dont know if I am strong enough to go thru this agian ever, what if they leave me too. I am scared outta my mind that I will screw up agian, like I did with you, I know God had bigger plans for you and that you were just too beautiful for this earth but I still cant convince myself I didnt do anything wrong. I am so sorry Baby Girl I failed you I should have known something wasnt right...I promise this because this is the only thing I can give you is my promise, I promise that I will do everything in my power to make sure that your brother or sister will not end like you, and that when they are born and as they grow I will make sure that they know the wonderful Angel they have watching over them and that she was such a great sister already that God just couldnt give you up, so he kept the best Angel for them and that Angel is their Sister. Lainey Jay Hughes you are my world and I will love you more everyday until I see you agian. Fly Safe Baby Girl I Love You.
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August 23, 2011
Well today is going to be day 1 of get Amanda healthy. Im ready! I can't start walking like I want to yet because it is extremely still too hot. Plus I still can't drive, but on comes smaller portions and healthier food. I am going to try to lose at least 40lbs. That will put me 10 under my goal weight. That way when I get pregnant agian I will be at a healthier weight so maybe I can avoid gestational diabetes this next time. It is all going to be worth it. My goal is to be at goal weight in four months. That is ten pounds a month to lose I think it is a reasonable goal and I will be able to accomplish it fairly easy. I hope my body goes back to a normal schedule with my cycle and stuff....but we will see. Well time for sleep and then up to start the day...HEALTHIER!!!!
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August 21, 2011
Well had a blast yesterday...even though my heart stopped a couple of times. We went with friends to a motorX race it was awesome, but my friends' son had a wreck and messed up his shoulder...and i just happened to be videoing the when it happened...it was scarey...but fun i had a blast. Eric went to work last night to cover a shift for a friend who is in the hospital so he is dead asleep right now. Only me and my thoughts...lol. Everyone is amazed at how well i am doing. If they could only see me at times like these where my mind has nowhre to go or nothing but her to focus on....I know shecwouldnt want me to mope around and be depressed all the time she would want me to move on and get better besides she is happy and playing with her family and friends up in heaven right now she is not sad or hurting so she would want me to be the same way...too bad its not always that simple...But everyday i get a little bit stronger and i move ahead just a little bit more. Its days like today where its just me on a gloomy morning with only my thoughts that i feel like im taking a few steps back instead of forward. I cant wait to be all healed up physically so i can get back to a normal pace and routine. When i had to take off accross the field yesterday i realized im not in as good of shape as i need to be...going to change that...gotta get healthier and get my weight down so i can try having another baby and get a hold of my life and maybe just maybe feel better about myself physically and emotionally. Also gotta get in shape cuz running like that liked to have killed me lol....you know you have great friends when something happens they are the first on scene and drop everything to make sure your ok...its nice to feel loved.
Yesterday the funnest part was watching the little kids race....OMG they were adorable!!! They were raceing thier little hearts out...it was too cute. They were giving each other hell out there.....btw Rori im with you i think me, niki and you will all just die if holli wrecks...lol she is too tough though so we know she will be fine but her is still our little girl...even if she is all tomboy lol that just means she gonna give them boys hell when she gets out there :-) . Well i guess im gonna lay back down for awhile see if this headache will find another place to go....i just want everyone to know that is reading this. I Love You all and each one of yall are special to me in your own way and I couldnt be who i am without each one of yall and thank you for everything. The prayers and shoulders to cry on and the funny moments and the im too emotional for my own damn good moments. And thank you for continueing this emotional rollercoaster ride with me. I am so greatful to have friends like you.
Yesterday the funnest part was watching the little kids race....OMG they were adorable!!! They were raceing thier little hearts out...it was too cute. They were giving each other hell out there.....btw Rori im with you i think me, niki and you will all just die if holli wrecks...lol she is too tough though so we know she will be fine but her is still our little girl...even if she is all tomboy lol that just means she gonna give them boys hell when she gets out there :-) . Well i guess im gonna lay back down for awhile see if this headache will find another place to go....i just want everyone to know that is reading this. I Love You all and each one of yall are special to me in your own way and I couldnt be who i am without each one of yall and thank you for everything. The prayers and shoulders to cry on and the funny moments and the im too emotional for my own damn good moments. And thank you for continueing this emotional rollercoaster ride with me. I am so greatful to have friends like you.
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August 15, 2011
Well it has been 13 days since I gave birth. Me and Mom packed away all Lainey's things except a few items I want to put in a shadow box to display in memory of her. I am proud of myself I only cried once. I had another moment today this time I was just pissed off...Me and Mom went back to Wal-Mart to get more vaccum seal bags and as we walked in there was a chick who was either 9months or just huge...and the daddy was bringing up the rear of a train of 7 all young some looked like mutiples....neither was holding any of the kids hands as they hurried outside the doors....ok well that would have pissed me off before I had my Angel but I was outraged and spoke up this time...very strong and loud o_O.... I said THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF WHY DOES PEOPLE LIKE THEM WHO ARE CLEARLY HAVING KIDS FOR ONLY THE FREE MONEY GET TO HAVE THE "INCONVENENCE" OF CHILDREN AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO HEAR MY DAUGHTER CRY!!!!!! Mom just said it is going to be fine I promise. I know she means well and I know I probably embarrassed her but it is NOT ok and it is NOT going to be fine...I want my daughter here with me...Physically...I kniw she is always with me but I want to hold her and wake up to feed her I want to take care of her and play with her. I want to be "inconvenenced" by her. Was that seriously too much to ask? I feel empty inside, I feel like this is all a bad dream and any minute Eric is going to wake me up from it and tell me it is ok....and that I shouldn't have ate the spicy food the night before.....too bad that is never going to happen and it isn't a dream it is reality and it SUCKS ASS! I know I am ranting like a mad woman lol but I am afraid if I don't let all this emotion out it is going to eat me alive. I am trying to throw myself into different things that I need to get done like cleaning and cleaning up my facebook....but somehow I always end up alone in a room stareing at her beautiful face crying and asking God why....why me, why take kids I don't understand...I was reading statistics on stillborn births tonight and they are unreal something like (dont quote me because i am not 100% certain) 2000 babies a day in the US are born asleep everyday....I do know it is 1 in 4 women have a stillborn birth....that is unreal considering all of the technology we have here in the US.....that makes me ask why even more...but then I answer my own question when you listen to the police scanner or turn on the tv or Hell walk in Walmart....just look at the people that live in the US....All the drugs we have here ruining our lives....no one can self heal anymore everyone has to have pills on top of pills just to function for a few hours at work...the stress and drama that we face everyday is heartrenching. I truly dont understand why people can't just go about their day without making someone elses life miserable. All the he said she said is bullshit....get over yourself your not the only person in the world that is going thru something....and these "mothers" that bitch because they are tired and they havent got sleep because their baby kept them up all night piss me off because I am on a every two hour sleep schedule with no baby to cause it....I cant sleep anymore because my body feels like it should be feeding my daughter every two hours...i am still making milk although its hardly any now but its still there and i feel worthless....how do the people that choose to "terminate" their pregnancy without cause live with theirselves....I cant live with myself and I never chose this I was happy about my little girl and excited and couldn't wait to watch her grow and now I am left with nothing but a few photos of her in a casket and no telling how much money in clothes and stuff that is not being used....I dont understand how this is fair and in "God's Plan" but maybe one day I will quit being hurt, sad, pissed and confused and see why this all happened, but then again maybe I wont. If I had it to do all over agian I would do everything the same because at least I can say I gave birth to the most beautiful Angel in heaven and I did it without regret but I am still so full of sorrow and I cant help but feel empty and worthless. I know what everyone is thinking and no Im not suicidal and im not going crazy. I am grieving the only way I know how. FULL FORCE AND ALL EMOTIONS AT ONCE. No I dont need a theropist, no I dont need antidepressants. I just need to scream at anything i can to make me feel better. Although I know that it wont change anything but release is always good. I have to let go before I can move on and I have to move on to get well. And the only way I know to get well is to try to have another baby and I am doing my damnedest to make sure that is a possability and that I will start out a healthier woman than I did with Lainey and maybe just maybe I will be blessed enough to be half the parent as my parents and my inlaws have been to me. Without the support system I have I would not be doing as good as I am today... With that said my wonderful Husband should be getting off his first shift at his new job in about 40 minutes and I am hoping to get lots of love from him before curling up and sleeping the few hours I can with him like I have for the past few days (since I have finally been able to move and get half way comfy in bed healing process hurts o_O). BTW did I mention our angel has already been looking out for her Daddy....Ok story time lol We were at the funeral home making arrangements for our baby girl and Eric got a phone call. Usually he wouldnt answer but since the funeral director was on the phone trying to get a question we had answered for us he answered it and it was Lainey's GodDaddy James, he said hello Deputy Hughes and said that he was to start the new job at the Jail on the 18th....Eric was excited and told him great but I will have to call you back to get more information we are at the funeral home and that pretty much ended the conversation for right then. Now if you read my first post we had scheduled to be induced on the 18th, so that was Lainey's day. Well she "came" early and it turned into Daddy's Day :-) Eric had quit his job not knowing exactly when he was getting to start the jail because his exboss had some issues with Eric staying with me to take care of me while I was down, the pain meds i have been on I am not allowed to drive and with the stitches I couldn't get around by myself very easy so mom was working and He wanted to take care of me. Well his ex boss had a problem with that. So Eric quit. Thank Heaven for My Inlaws they have been wonderful helping with financal issues we have had in the past and this time was no different, and my Mom has been wonderful too helping with housework and running that usually I would do since I don't work. And my wonderful extended Family Niki and James have been awesome support too James has helped Eric get ALOT of the items he needed to start the new job and they have been there emotionally for me I seriously could not ask for better. And to everyone who has checked on me and cried with me and let me babble on and on about my journey so far and not slapped me for going on and on I thank you from the bottom of my heart yall are wonderful friends and are helping with my healing more than you know. And to my family and friends that have prayed everytime you have thought about me and my family Thank you because I know we need his help but right now I cant talk to him without being mad and I know he understands and that I need him the most right now but I am hurting and I just cant right now so Thank yall so much for going to him for me because I know I need him and yall are praying overtime for my family and you will never know just how much we appreciate every prayer that yall send up in behalf of us. To the people that have cried with me and let me bitch about people we know that have upset me Thank you for agreeing with me even if I am wrong. To Niki honey every trial has a lesson and this too shall pass. Stop stressing because the more you stress the less likely you are going to be on getting another wonderful child for me to babysit...who knows maybe we will be pregnant this time together and we will have a bond NOONE CAN BREAK (God help our husbands if we are preggo at the same time especially how emotional we are on normal basis and then we have to figure in our pregnancy hormones...To our husbands We apologise in advance and just remember WE LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT WE SAY o_O) Well I guess this is a long enough post for today. I Love Everyone Of the ones that reads this and thank you for taking time to try and understand my pain even if I make no sense thank you for trying.
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August 12, 2011
Well here it is 12:30 am and once agian I cant sleep...I am not sure if I'll ever sleep right agian...I know that I should sleep and that i will be tired tomorrow but I just cant...I love having my husband home at night, i need to take advantage of it because most nights he is not here...Everyone keeps asking when I am going back to work...I cant even go to walmart without crying...how in the hell am i suppose to work....come on people it has not even been a week since I buried my daughter...Why are some people so damn insensitive...bastards...ready to get back on track with bills, I have my tattoo picked out for my baby girl...photo is below. I got told today by a preachers wife that this wasnt Gods fault.... then whose fault is it... i want to meet them and tell them how shitty they are for taking my baby without asking me first....why dont I have a say so in this??? Why didnt someone ask me if I could handle her "condition" before they made this huge decision that I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!
Lainey's Story.
December 22, 2010 was the happiest day of my life. At 6am I got up to go to the restroom after waking from a dream. My dream was the start of a very wonderful journey, it was my brother-in-law who was killed in a car accident April 10, 2010 and he came to my bedside laid his hand on my stomach and chuckled and said HA another little Hughes and then as soon as he came he was gone. When I woke up after the dream I decided to take a test, I kept tests on hand to take before I started a new pill pack, I took the first test and it was positive, I couldn't believe it, so I took another test to make sure it was positive too! I was SO excited. I ran with the two tests in hand to the bedroom and woke my Husband. I told him WAKE UP I NEED YOU TO FOCUS! He was like what is wrong??? I showed him the tests and he was like OMG REALLY!!! We cried many tears of joy. With it being so close to Christmas we decided we would tell our families on Christmas Eve. We were at my Husband's Grandparents house on Christmas Eve and I made the announcement. Everyone was shocked but excited. We went to all of our prenatal appointments and saw our baby girl for the first time March 29, 2011 and as we figured she was stubborn and non-cooperative, but we finally confirmed she was a girl. I could not wait to start buying pink stuff. We had already decided a boy and girl name and so we announced that we were having a Lainey Jay Hughes in August. I was having a "normal" pregnancy and everything was going great my weight was good I had actually lost almost 30lbs but because I was overweight and she was growing on schedule my doctor was actually happy. I finally started gaining around the time for my second ultrasound, a few weeks before my second ultrasound I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and put on two pills a day to control my sugar. Then at my second ultrasound my world started to take an unexpected turn, my doctor said she has a dilated ventricle in her brain and some of her long bones were measuring short, he wanted to send me to a bigger hospital for a second opinion. So the following week I went to UAMS for my second opinion. They did another ultrasound and confirmed it my little girl was sick but they was not sure how sick until she got here, so that was the first time I heard the most popular phrase that I would hear over the next week, "we are going to prepare for the worst and PRAY FOR THE BEST" so that is exactly what I did. We made an appointment to be induced on August 18, 2011 I was to be there at 1am that morning to start the process. On August 1st at 8am I went to the restroom and I "lost my mucus plug" or what I thought was my mucus plug, I called the hospital to make sure they didn’t want me to come in just in case since I live 45 minutes away, they said no you should be fine. I wasn’t feeling well but I figured it was just because I wasn't sleeping at night. At 1:30am August 2nd I woke up from a "nap" and went to the restroom and it looked like I had started my period. I was scared to death, so I called the 24 hr line at the hospital and explained what was happening and they told me to hurry and come to the hospital. We got to the hospital around 2am and they rushed me up to labor and delivery. The nurse tried to find her heartbeat with the monitor and was having trouble locating it, which wasn’t unusual remember I said she was stubborn...so she said let’s get an ultrasound up here so we can see where to put the monitor. The next few moments changed my life forever. The first ultrasound tech came in and looked then another one looked and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "Honey I am looking at the baby's chest and there is not a heartbeat I'm Sorry". I said what you mean no heart beat! Can we do a C-section and save her? She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sweetie but she is gone our priority now is you, and a C-section is too risky now you will deliver vaginally." I was crying hysterically and so was my husband. I remember saying "I'm Sorry Baby I didn't know I am so sorry" My husband hugged me and said "Baby it's not your fault and we will get thru this together, I love you." The nurse went and got my mom and his mom and dad who had been in the waiting room, and they came in the very tiny room we were in and said OMG what is wrong, I said she is gone they can't find a heartbeat. And again I said I'm Sorry I didn't know I'm sorry. They told me like my husband it’s not my fault but I didn't understand how I couldn't know my child was dead inside me! How is that possible? That was the longest night and next day of my life. I was fully closed so they said it would be a long process. They started with a pill at 10 am to thin my cervix and they said I could have anything pain meds wise since I was the priority...in other words there was no baby to endanger...and they said I could have the epidural anytime even if I wasn't dilated, I held off on the epidural but I had a headache from lack of sleep and food since I had no eaten in about 12 hours at that point, so they gave me pain meds in my iv for the headache, I laugh now because my nurse said this will make your head spin so close your eyes and enjoy the ride...she was right. Shortly after that my cervix was thinned and I was beginning my heavier contractions so I asked for my epidural. They put it in and I got some needed sleep and when I woke up everyone had went home to check on pets and to change clothes and eat then head back up, my husband asked if I was fine and I said yes, he went downstairs to smoke, by the time he came back my water had broke and the nurse was in there checking me and I had lots of pressure. I was ready to push, now with a live birth the baby helps the mommy out by wiggling down to the birth canal, with mine I had to push her down, after about 30 minutes of pushing She crowned, now my family had came back in right before I was ready to push and her Godparents had made it back too, little did I know they were right outside my door listening to what was going on in my room but didn't have a clue what was going on, she crowned and my epidural stopped! I had a special epidural with a push button when I needed more pain control I pushed the button and it added relief, they said they would change it out and it wouldn't run out...well I progressed too fast for it to be changed in time so 2 minutes after my angel crowned I had 100% feeling back, so I gave birth NATURAL! I pushed her head out and then tried for her shoulders, she came sunny side up so my pelvic bone smashed her face, her shoulders got stuck and I actually had a nurse jump on top of my bed and physically help push her out because I didn’t have the strength at that point to do it on my own, I was exhausted. We got her out at 10:30pm 12 1/2 hours after I had been induced and she was 7lbs 3ozs 19 1/2 inches long. I felt EVERY INCH! I asked the doctor if she could identify the cause and she said her cord was wrapped really tight around her neck but there was other things that confused her and I asked if I had of come in at 8am the 1st if I could have saved her and they said no sweetie she has been gone for at least 48 hours her skin is peeling. I started crying and said "what kind of MOTHER doesn’t realize her child is dead for at least two days inside her?" My Nurse looked at me and said Honey this is not your fault, you couldn't have known, you couldn't see inside your tummy to know what was going on and if the fluid was moving her around you probably felt small jabs and kicks, enough to not realize anything was wrong. I now take comfort in that but I still don’t understand it all...We decided to do an autopsy so we could make sure what happened and also to maybe find something the ultrasounds missed so we can be better aware for the next pregnancy. We are still waiting on results. On August 6, 2011 at 2pm I buried my Little Girl, without ever seeing her smile or looking into her eyes (I don't even know what color they were) or even hearing her cry. I feel very cheated for getting to go thru all the process and emotions of labor and delivery naturally no less and not getting to bring my baby home with me, she never got to meet her dogs and never got to sleep in her house, never got to visit Grandma's and Grandpa's and even Pawpaw’s, she never got to meet Her God Parents, or any of the wonderful Family she has. The worst part is instead of planning her future that day when I got up, I was planning her funeral. I probably will never understand why God chose to "steal" my little girl from me but I know "everything happens for a reason" and I have to hold on to that or I believe I will go crazy.
I went to my Health Department appointment today to change over to "NONBREASTFEEDING" like I had a choice; I was engorged with milk that went to waste that I should have been giving to her. But anyway I changed over my WIC today then I had an appointment to follow up with a doctor at the hospital I delivered in, and while I was there, I was in the waiting room waiting to be called back and a Lady walked in she looked about 8 months pregnant and had a little girl that looked to be around 10 months old at the most on her hip with two little boys trailing behind her they were about 3 and 5 years old, I broke down...why can someone like that have beautiful and healthy babies and I lost mine? How is this fair? What did I do, was I a horrible person in another life to deserve to go thru all of this pain? Do I not deserve to be Happy? Maybe I don't but this is not going to bring me down yes it hurts and probably always will but I am stubborn that's where my Angel got it...I am determined to have children that I can raise and hold and teach, I asked the doctor when was a safe time frame to try again, and to my surprise he said 3 months! I was in shock I figured a year...but me and my husband has decided between 6 months and a year we are going to start trying again, in the meantime we are getting healthy, we are going to lose weight, I am well on the way to my goal already I am already 11lbs under pre-baby weight, and he is quitting smoking and we are going to start exercising and getting healthy so me at least has a better beginning so maybe I won’t have GD and won’t have the weight worry, now I am not a first timer so I kind of have a heads up ;-).
I want to mention a few tools that helped me thru my journey... first I had a App on my phone called baby bump, it is a web community that you can post and get answers from women who are going thru the same things you are at the same time, there is due date forums by month and they are having the same tests and everything about the same time you are so it is very helpful, there is also forums for grief and loss to help you thru the emotions you are feeling and they are shoulders to cry on without having to leave home...Also in the Hospital there was a photography service that was completely volunteer and free of charge they have a photographer come in and take photos of your infant and family so that you have as many memories as possible of your angel before you leave without them, they are wonderful and very professional and caring she came in my room at around midnight that night and had about an hour or so session with my family she asked what photos I wanted and made sure she got those photos plus...I can't wait to see my photos I know they will be awesome, she even wiped some blood out of her nose before she took a photo, because she wanted my Angel to look her best in her pictures. The service is called Now I Lay Me down To Sleep you should definitely check out their site! The next service was Mamie's Poppy Plates this is a ceramic plate with your baby's footprints on it that is sent to this Angel Mommy to paint and add your baby's information and a clear coat to seal it and send back to you as a keepsake for the grieving parents, I can't wait to get mine in the mail. I know it will be beautiful just like my Angel. These services are completely free of charge for the parents, and I can't believe the great service of the Hospital UAMS They are So kind and sincere and they treat you as a person not a number, I had nurses that actually sat on the end of my bed and cried with me for no telling how long and let me cry and talk about everything and they helped me thru a lot of this by listening and making sure I never blamed myself and let me be mad when I was mad and let me just babble on and on, they were there when my Husband was smoking or down at the food court and all my family was at home resting, and I was alone in my room with just my thoughts, which at them points was a very scary and dark place. So Thank you to all my Family and Friends who have stuck by me thru all of this, all the nurses and doctors at UAMS and the rest of the staff there that is continuing the healing treatment, the ANGELS 24 hr help line that has called me every day to check on me when I know it’s not their job, and all the volunteers that helped make this journey that has just began just a little bit easier to deal with. You will never know what each one of you mean to me.
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